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by Tim Swanson
Last night my eight year old daughter, Scarlett, came up to me with two nearly identical teddy bears. She lifted the bears up above her head to present them to me, "Daddy, which one of these bears do you think is cuter?" I briefly looked over the bears, and took the one out of her right hand and said, "This one ." Her hands dropped to her sides, and with tearful eyes she muttered, "That was Silas's (her brother’s) bear... you don't think my bear is cute at all." Then she threw her bear on the floor and sauntered away.
I stood there feeling a little baffled for a minute thinking, "What just happened?" I didn't understand how my answering her question about which bear was cuter translated into me thinking her bear wasn't cute at all. Once my initial shock wore off, I realized that my interaction with Scarlett touches on a highly valuable leadership essential. You see, her emotional pain came from a lapse in communication. She wanted to know that I valued her through her stuffed bear, but she came to me with the wrong question. The result was that she heard me saying something that I didn't say. Because of our communication breakdown, I then got to spend some quality time sitting with Scarlett and her teddy explaining all of her bear's cute and cuddly qualities.
No matter who you lead, whether you it’s one of your children or a group of volunteer church musicians, you're going to face challenges in communication. Chances are, you already do on a regular basis. In order to be effective leaders we have to become master communicators. There are lots of facets to good communication, and an important one is the ability to untangle messy situations like the one I got myself into with my daughter. So here are 10 strategies to untangling messy communication issues.
1. Pray for wisdom.
Make no mistake about it, as a leader, you are a diplomat. And diplomacy requires a great deal of wisdom. Which is just fine because, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you" (James 1:15). You don't get to pick the moment you will have to navigate through a tricky sticky communication mess. When it happens, don't forget, God is with you. He has the power. He will guide you.
2. Face to face.
If it’s at all possible, meet face to face with people when trying to resolve a misunderstanding. Phone conversations cannot carry the same weight as an in-person interaction. And texting has the potential to make the problem way worse. Get together with people and talk face to face to work out communication issues.
3. Ask clarifying questions.
Have you ever had a conversation with one of those really soft spoken counselors who always responds with, “I feel like I hear you saying this...” or “Ah, yes. Let me make sure I’m hearing you right (then repeats your words back to you).” Well there is a reason they do that - it’s because it works. One time I had a team member write me a three page email where he chewed me out and bashed my character, calling me shallow and a bully. I called that volunteer up and invited him to come to my office. When we met, I handed him a copy of what he had written and together we literally read through it line by line, and I asked him exactly what he meant by each thing he said. Through our conversation, it became evident to me that his issues had more to do with how other people in his life had treated him. By the end of our meeting we had a much stronger rapport with each other. Taking the time to get a better understanding of what your team is trying to tell you will resolve a lot of problems.
4. Only from the horses mouth.
Did you ever play the game ‘telephone’ when you were a kid? That game blows my mind. As kids we laughed at the way a simple message would get twisted and contorted as it got passed from person to person. Then when the person at the end would tell everyone what he/she came up with, everyone else would laugh for how far removed from the original message it had become. The reason that game blows my mind is that as adults most of us haven’t stopped playing it. People still rely heavily on hearsay and gossip. A wise leader never does this (and ‘never’ is not a word to throw around). If you hear something about someone, go to that person and speak directly with that person. If confrontation is not your style, that’s ok. Bring someone with you. But don’t take somebody else’s word for it.
5. Begin by building common ground.
If you are trying to straighten out a misunderstanding with someone who is particularly upset, begin by finding a point where you can both agree. Phrases like, “I know that showing Jesus’ love to others is both of our goal”, “We are both Jesus followers, and so the goal of our communication is love.” At the end of your first statement, you want both of your heads nodding in the same direction.
6. Lead with Love.
This one has to do with your overall attitude. At some point you’ll have to deal with people who have become offended at you because of something you said, or maybe they just don’t like you. I have some of those people on my team. They can say really nasty things about you behind your back or to your face. Those things can be really hurtful, and the temptation can be to act out of those hurt feelings. But that won’t do anyone any good. I have a couple of Bible verses I repeat to myself when I’m dealing with a particularly nasty worship team member. The first one is, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" (Proverbs 15:1), the second is similar, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires" (James 1:19-20). You will be much more successful at navigating sticky situations when you learn to see things from the other person's perspective.
7. Clean up your side of the street.
7. Clean up your side of the street.
When it came to my team member who wrote me the three pages of character bashing stuff, there were a lot of things that just weren't true. I know this because I took his letter to a few people that I can trust to be honest with me. However, one of those people that I trust encouraged me this way, “Tim, this is a shotgun blast of negativity. For the most part it’s missing the mark. But the challenge is to look for the pellet of truth.” When I went back, I realized that a few of his remarks were not coming to me for the first time. That helped me take responsibility when I was talking to him, which defused some of his anger and resentment toward me.
8. Get a referee.
If you’re not particularly confrontational, it would be good to get someone to sit in who can mediate for you and help you bring up the difficult subjects. If you are a particularly confrontational person, like me, it would be good to get someone to sit in who can vouch for you. When people get into the mode of hearing what they want to hear, they’ll accuse you of saying all sorts of things that you never said. I am really fortunate not to have any of those people on my team right now, but I’ve had them in the past and I know I’ll have more in the future. Today, as information spreads faster and farther than ever before, you can’t be too careful.
9. What is your posture saying?
If you haven’t already heard, most communication is nonverbal. That’s why we can tell when somebody is angry with us even when they don’t tell us. If you are facing a misunderstanding with a team member, make sure your body is sending the right signals. Keep an open posture. Don’t cross your arms or legs, lean back in your chair, sit forward with your elbows on your knees, sit behind a desk, etc. Be aware of the message you’re sending with your body.
10. End well.
Sometimes you’ll bat it out of the park. You’ll resolve the issue, grow closer with your team member, and still make it home in time to watch ‘The Voice’. Other times, things won’t go so well, and there may still be some tension there when you’re done. But in the same way that you started by finding common ground, you’ll want to leave on common ground. Re-acknowledge the things you said at the outset of your meeting, and pray with the person, if it’s at all possible.
Your team members are your most valuable asset. And like you, they’re all human. It’s in their nature to get their signals crossed from time to time. For that reason, you have to be diligent when it comes to assisting in uncrossing those wires. Take the time to get communication issues straightened out and you’ll have the kind of strong team you’ll need if you’re going to create an atmosphere of authentic worship.
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