What do you say to your wife during her darkest moments? (like during a miscarriage for example)

A couple weeks ago Allison visited her midwife to look into a concern she had about the pregnancy. We both felt like there was nothing to worry about, but wanted to be safe. An ultrasound confirmed our worse fears. Not only was NOT nothing wrong, but we had lost the baby.

Photo courtesy of Karin and the camera at Flickr.com

Perhaps the most fortunate factor was that we were pretty early in the pregnancy (10 weeks), so we hadn't heard a heart beat or felt any movement. That made things a little easier. But it was still pretty difficult nonetheless.

As our midwife told us a bunch of stuff that I wasn't paying any attention to, I wondered what I would do - what could I do to comfort my poor wife. Discovering that we had lost the baby was painful for me, but I knew there was no way it could hurt for me as much as it did for her. After all, my contribution to the pregnancy was... minuscule compared to hers. 

I felt overwhelmed imagining the range of thoughts and feelings that I knew Allison would be experiencing in the coming weeks

• The feeling of shame and inadequacy that comes from feeling like there's something so wrong with you that your body can't even do what it's designed to.
• The pain of loosing a baby that, while being unexpected, we had both begun to love.
• The fear of never being able to have another baby again.
• The emotional exhaustion that comes from hearing person after person tell you how sorry they are for your loss. 
• The physical pain that comes from miscarrying. 
• And a million other complex thoughts and emotions that I'll never understand. 

What could I possibly do or say that would make a lick of difference with those kind of heavy weight emotions brewing inside of her. I felt helpless, which made sense because I was helpless.

If you stay married for long enough, you'll experience one of your wife's darkest moments. It'll be the kind of thing you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy, And the person you love most in the world will be suffering through it. While you may be going through it with her, your pain may not be nearly as uncomfortable as watching her suffer. So what can you do to be helpful when you're helpless? 

Since we found out about the miscarriage, I've invested in learning how to support my wife though a very tough season for both of us. Like I said it's painful for me, but not nearly as painful as it is for her. Here's what I've done that's worked... and some of what's not worked. 

Pray for her. It seems pretty simple, but when I asked my wife how I could be helpful to her, it was the first thing she said. Never underestimate the power of your prayers. And if you don't pray for you wife, who will?

Mourn with her. Even though the miscarriage was more painful for my wife in just about every way, I still did my mourning with her. I didn't have any crying to do, but I sat with her and shared my side of the pain. I didn't say anything - I didn't have to. This is what people are talking about when they say sometimes just being there is enough.

Be physically available. This is where most guys will shine. When it's uncomfortable to be emotionally there for her, it's much easier to pick up the slack around the house by doing a few extra chores. I helped out by picking up and doing the dishes a few extra days a week. Never underestimate how much a clean home will help your wife's mental and emotional state. 

Don't be emotionally unavailable. This is one that I didn't do really well. Emotional stuff isn't my specialty. I invested my time in picking up our home and doing the dishes. And at times Allison had to tell me that she needed me to be more emotionally available. It's taken extra effort, but it's critical for your wife's healing to have the emotional support of her best friend.

Keep doing things that are healthy for you. There's a temptation among some men to abandon themselves in order to care for their wives. But that's a bad move. When we abandon ourselves to care for someone else, we'll inevitably run out of fuel. When that happens it leads to burnout and exhaustion, or worse - frustration and resentment.  

Remind her that everything is going according to God's plan... or don't depending upon her mood. Sometimes all my wife needs to hear from me is that it's all in God's hands. So I try to be intentional about encouraging her in that way. But other times, it's not exactly what she needs to hear. When I find myself in that place, I'll typically stop trying to use words to comfort and simply be there for her.

Be patient. Women's bodies are perhaps the strangest thing on the planet. And their systems can go all out of whack for just about any reason. When your wife's body is melting down, be patient with her. It may mean that shes... 'closed for business' for a little while. Eventually she'll feel better. And remember, everything is going according to God's plan. 

What will Allison and I do now?

We're already praying about what we're going to do next. We hadn't planned on getting pregnant the last time, but it certainly seems like God had other plans. Now it's got us simply asking one question What does God want us to do now? We both feel like people who have more than three kids are crazy. But the recent pregnancy has us wondering if we're that kind of crazy. 

Thanks for all of your love and support

Tim & Allison Swanson