by Tim H. Swanson
Musicians Are Impossible
I could tell my electric guitar player was frustrated. His body language, the tone of his voice, everything about him communicated frustration at the sound technician who was asking him to turn down his amp even more. Finally he snapped. He muttered a couple things under his breath as he put away his gear, picked up his things, and marched out of the room. In awkward silence, the rest of the band looked at me for what to do next. We were in the middle of a rehearsal, and less than an hour from the start of the service. That was certainly unpleasant, but the thing I really didn't like was being told that I had to talk to him about it afterward.
Here's the thing about conflict, it finds us all. I didn't seek out conflict with that electric guitarist. I didn't even start it, but I had to solve it. As the leader, the conflict found me. And my instinctive reaction wasn't good. My initial thought was, “Fine! If he is going to act like a child, then who needs him?” I was even childish in my reaction. But that’s just because I had the wrong attitude about the whole situation. Like most leaders, I have been in the habit of avoiding conflict. But that’s not helpful. When I have that kind of outlook, nobody grows and everybody loses. There is, however, another way to see conflict that changes everything.
The Difference Between Winning and Losing
There’s inherent discomfort in conversations with upset people. But whether somebody is rightfully upset with you, or it lands in your lap simply because you’re in charge, the key to winning in conflict is a positive God honoring attitude.
When you find yourself entrenched with an embittered team member, you will always win if you learn to look at him/her through a lens of grace. God puts situations with upset people in our lives to grow us as leaders. When we respond well to conflict, we look more like Jesus. When it finds you, don't fret. Actually, be excited, it just means God's looking to make an investment in your character.
It’s not always easy, but there’s a very practical and efficient way to respond well to conflict. All you have to do is ask yourself some good questions. Next time you find yourself sitting across from somebody who is irritable, restless or discontent try these questions on yourself and see how it impacts your attitude about the whole situation.
1. Are you looking at a hurting person? 9 out of 10 people don’t wake up in the morning wondering how they can work up some good anger, and take it out on other people. For the most part, anger and defensiveness are reactions that people have developed after years of painful experience. They are defense mechanisms designed to protect a person from experiencing pain. So you may feel like you’re looking at a mean person. In reality, you may just be looking at a hurting person. If that’s the case, you’re in a good place. It means you get to practice patience, grace and loving-kindness.
2. Have you been as upset as the person you’re looking at? One of my pet peeves is late people. When it comes to my team, I start meetings and rehearsals on time. I consider it to be a matter of respect to everybody else. Nearly every person on my team has the same value. They consistently show up on time and prepared to work hard. I have a really hard time when we are getting started and somebody is nowhere to be found. My ears get red, and I feel like calling the person and just telling them to not come. Fortunately for me, I have a great mentor who once confronted me when I felt I had been wronged, and asked, “Have you ever done anything like that to anyone?” As it turned out, I had. In reality, I used to be pretty unreliable myself when it came to showing up on time and prepared. So now when one of my team members occasionally shows up late, I remember the times when I was late. It helps me have compassion on other people, and let go of my own frustrations.
3. Is it a trap? You can have a heart as big as the moon, and want to share peace lilies with everybody on the planet; but there are some people who are just argumentative. Don’t waste your time engaging in their arguments. They’re not hard to spot. They seek to start heated arguments about things like their view on the end times, or whether creation took 6 literal days or 6 figurative days. These topics certainly have their time and place, but they're not worth arguing about. They'll attack you and argue in circles about the weaknesses of your song selection and everything else that’s wrong with Sunday morning. They usually have one thing they just can’t let go of, and they won’t rest until they are heard by everyone.
You don’t want to avoid these people, but your time is valuable and listening to the same argument over and over again isn’t a good use of it. When you encounter these people, use the ‘Respect and Direct’ strategy. Speak respectfully, and acknowledge their argument. Then, continuing with the respectful tone, be direct. For example, if somebody is bending your ear every Sunday morning arguing that you need to bring back ‘Shine Jesus Shine’, respond with something like this, “I know that song means a lot to you, and my goal isn’t to discredit your taste in music. But that song just isn’t the direction our church is going with music right now.” The majority of the time, people will respect you for being direct with them. Even when they don’t, you still have the benefit of acting loving and mature - two qualities that Jesus always showed.
4. Where can you take responsibility? Unlike Jesus, sometimes you’ll be in the wrong. When this happens, own up. There are fewer things people admire more than a person with the integrity to admit when they are wrong. When somebody on your team comes to you in frustration, start by looking at where you can validate what they’re saying. You’ll be surprised at how this simple action can calm the most upset team member.
5. How would I feel in his/her shoes? I once had a team member explode at me while we were preparing for Sunday morning. I was talking to a few members on my team about preparedness. Even though I wasn’t confronting him, he thought I was. He snapped at me, then quit the team. It would have been easy for me to write him off as just another bad attitude. But when I put myself in his shoes, I felt differently. Outside of rehearsal, the guy’s marriage was failing. He was between jobs. Even his relationships with his children were on the fritz. If I were in his shoes, I might feel a little defensive and irritable too. That helped me have compassion for the man.
So here’s the short and skinny of it.
The other day I was talking to a young worship leader who has been leading for about a year. Recently she has been experiencing a great deal of conflict on her team. She came to me about it, and I told her, “God must really have big plans for you, because he’s providing you lot’s of opportunities to grow.”
Conflict isn’t bad, it’s actually great. It’s not fun, but it provides the opportunity for wild growth of character when you bring the right attitude to the table. God uses confrontation to refine your character and grow you as a leader. If you struggle with conflict, it’s not difficult to reorient your outlook with a few introspective questions like the ones above. Then you’ll find yourself looking more like Jesus, which is the biggest win of all.
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