by Tim Swanson
Have you ever said something you regret? I mean something you really regretted. Like the second the words left your lips, you realized you've made a critical error. Well I have.
My class was made up of 25 young adults from 18 different nations. Many of them were from Europe and North America. A few came all the way from Asia. It was a pretty diverse group.
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| This was my class. Aside form becoming angry at my very arrogant statement, I have very fond memories of the time I spend with these people. I'm the very back row on the left |
Our school was in West Kilbride, Scotland. During a classroom session, a professor ran everyone through an exercise, "We are going to go around, and I want each of you to say what you think is one of your nation's strengths". He then called on someone sitting in the front row.
I have always been one of those students who thrives on the opportunity to have the undivided attention of the whole class. I speedily calculated which of the four students from The United States would be the first to highlight our nation's strength. My eyes scanned over the room. I quickly realized it was me. Excellent! This would be my time to shine. I tuned the other students out as they presented their nation's best attributes. If I was going to present the strength of America, my answer had better top everyone else's.
Let me just interject here that tension between nationalities exists as much in a school of young adults as it does on any other arena of international gathering. To make matters worse, I was young and very arrogant.
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| The man on the left is one of the schools leaders. He's from Sweden. |
I tuned back into what my classmates were saying. My friend Preben, from Denmark, talked about the strength of his people. Prisca, from Switzerland, talked about how industrious her nation was. Honest answers to be sure, but I was only concerned about getting to my turn. Quickly, the spotlight landed on me. I looked around the room at the other students as I began to speak, "Well, when I was growing up I was always taught that America is a cultural melting pot. So.... I guess we have all of your nation's strengths." Big mistake. The very next second every non-American student was on his/her feet bellowing angry discharge at the American closest to them. That instant I felt about three inches tall, and legitimately feared for my safety. After a few uncertain moments, the sound of the school director banging on the podium rose above the cacophony. The rest of the students calmed down, the Americans got to keep our lives, and we did not finish the exercise.
I've said some really boneheaded things in my life, but that one just might take the cake. How about you? Have you ever found yourself at the end of a short rope because if your own words? It can certainly be embarrassing when you're with your peers, but when you're in leadership it can be costly.
The fact is, your words carry weight, especially with those you have influence over. Your team looks to you for cues on how to respond to each other and how to respond to you. When it comes to your team, I'm sure you want your response to be the absolute best you have to offer. So here are three very effective ways to make mature response a habit.
1. Do to others as you'd have them do to you. Yes it’s a cliche, and for good reason. In the heat of the moment this can be a challenge, but have you ever had to set up a meeting to call out one of your team members? When you can schedule things in advance, it's a good idea to set aside a little time to consider how you would want that person to speak to you if the roles were reversed.
2. Carefully consider where people are coming from. If someone on your team is instigating trouble, do some digging. Find out what the root of it is. In another post, My Sunday School Teacher Told Me I'm Going To Hell, I describe how an over stressed and overworked Sunday school teacher cursed at me and my best friend. That guy definitely said some regrettable things. However, as I learned later, he was under a lot of stress. While that doesn't excuse his actions, it wouldn't have been helpful for someone in the church's administration to harshly rebuke him. The man had problems enough as it was. When it comes to your team members, find out the whole scoop. There may just be something there to sympathize with. And sympathy will help you speak from a place of love.
3. Talk to a trusted adviser. I hate it when my wife suggests I be merciful to someone I'm angry with. But she's usually right. When I consult her or one of my mentors I get an extra measure of wisdom that I wouldn't have had otherwise. If you choose trustworthy advisers and consult with them regularly, you'll increase your ability to speak wisely. Even if you have let a team member go, it'll benefit you and the other person for you to bring thoughtfully crafted speech to the meeting.
As a leader a huge part of your job is to be an example and model the way for your team. When it comes to your common vernacular, it'll benefit everyone for you to develop your filter and learn to speak the truth in love.
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