How to Overcome Social Anxiety

I ducked out of the conference session a few minutes before the lunch break, so I could get my vehicle and avoid the traffic (something I hate when people in my congregation do). I exited the front doors of The Rock church, in San Diego and began walking down the sidewalk.

As I shuffled past the side door to the church’s auditorium, Mark Driscoll and Francis Chan walked out together, presumably chatting about how cool it is to be super famous. I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart rate jumped up about 20 beats per minute, and I assume all the blood in my body rushed to my mouth because it opened and began to produce noise.

My mouth spewed forth, “Oh my gosh! Mark Driscoll and Francis Chan!” Moments earlier, Driscoll had finished a talk about how Americans idolize celebrities. I had already forgotten it, so I continued, “You guys are like the greatest! At my church back home, the two of you are a huge deal! You don’t even know.” Having felt like I formed a bond with the two of them through those few words, I asked if I could get a picture with them. I was so nervous, that I actually tried to hand my camera to Francis Chan, who graciously handed it to his wife, who graciously didn’t tell me that I was being a moron.

I was so anxious when I found myself face to face with two of my heroes that I spoke without thinking. That resulted in my embarrassment as I walked away. I thought, “What was that? I just said a bunch of really dumb stuff. Those guys must think I’m an idiot. I wish I could have a do over.” But I don’t get a do over. What I do get is the chance to impact on every social interaction I’ll have for the rest of my life.

The truth is, like lots of people, I get social anxiety regularly. It shows up when I go to parties or am introduced to my wife’s friends. Sometimes even at my church during our services, I’ll get anxiety just standing in the auditorium talking to people I see every week.

It’s triggered by fear. I’m worried I’m not good enough, or I’m afraid I won’t have anything in common with someone. Whatever my fear is, the problem is the same: social anxiety keeps me from begin as helpful to people as God wants me to be. I know this because God told me so

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self discipline” 2 Timothy 1:7 ESV

If you’re like me and fear crops up when you’re in public, then there solution is simpler than you might think. The goal is to, as much as possible, determine the outcome of social interactions before they happen. Obviously, you can’t account for everything, nor should you want to. It’s the unexpected things that make life fun. But going into a social situation with a solid game plan will help ease your feelings of worry, and allow you to react in the way you’ve been called to. So here’s the one step solution to social anxiety

If you bumped into the most influential person you can think of, what three words would you want him/her to use to describe you afterward?

I’ll give you mine as an example. If I bump into Mark Driscoll and Francis Chan again, I’d love for the two of them to walk away saying, “Gosh, that guy was really genuine, humble and confident.” That’d be a whole lot better than what they probably said, “What a whacko. We need to use another exit the next time we do this.”

I picked those three words: genuine, humble and confident, not because it’s my goal to get people to say really nice things about me. I picked them, because they help me direct my interactions in such a way as to put aside fear, and be confidently willing to be used by God.

Now, here’s the dirty little secret. I don’t reserve my three words for celebrities. I think about them anytime I meet anyone. Whenever I go into a social environment where I’ll meet new people, especially if there will be unchurched people there, I remind myself that I want to be genuine, humble and confident. I’ve come to the conclusion that those three things will help me be the best, most helpful version of myself.

Question: Finding your three words can take some time. What's one word you'd like people to use to describe you after meeting you?