After the release of my new book, Good Fight, last Wednesday, I'm taking some much needed time to recoup. So I'm sharing one of my most read and personal favorite blog posts with you in this encore post.
"Why don't I believe you?" My mentor, Jeff, said to me as we sat in my office. I had just finished trying to convince him that my relationship with Jesus was hunky dory. I didn't want to confess that I felt disconnected, defeated and a little ashamed because it didn't seem like I was hearing from God during my quiet time. I sat frozen, trying to figure out what to say next. He saw right through my bluff and called me on it.
I back pedaled for a while before finally admitting the truth, and I'm glad I did. The conversation that followed was exactly what I needed. We talked about our spiritual nature, one area where my insight can be handicapped. I like things I can see and touch. But, per God's plans, I got a mentor who has great insight with regard to my spiritual side.
As it turned out, I'm not the only person who's ever felt that way about my quiet times. Jeff has known a number of other people who have felt the way I did. He had even done a seminar on how to deepen your spiritual connection with God during a quiet time. He gave me practical steps to connecting with God. In the following weeks his steps helped break loose some of my mental and emotional baggage. And I continued growing closer with God.
Great mentors are like that. God often uses them to give you just what you need. A good mentor is God's agent for challenge and growth in our lives. They walk us through the tough stuff, and help us mind the potholes along the way, or help us get back up after we trip over one. What's amazing is how few leaders even have mentor.
Signs of a bigger problem
As part of my work with Worship! Arizona, my team and I have been conducting worship leader interviews to help us determine the needs of worship leaders as we seek to serve them with conferences, books, lunches, and such. At one point in the survey there are two questions that ask how much worship leaders value having a mentor and whether they have one. So far, not a single person has placed any less than a high value on having a mentor relationship, but most leaders still don't have one!
For most of us, developing a mentor relationship is like going to the eye doctor. We know it's important, but somehow it never quite seems to make it to the top of the to-do list. Then we end up frustrated when we get frequent headaches and can't see. The truth is, getting a mentor, like going to the eye doctor, would alleviate frustration and help us wield the gifts God has given us more effectively.
The scary thing is most leaders who don't have a mentor are mentoring people on their team. They're pouring out from a cup that's not being refilled. I probably don't have to tell you that that's the ideal recipe for burnout. I bet you already know that.
If you're in the same boat as the leaders I've spoken with and you think that having a mentor is important but don't have one yourself, it’s time to take the next step and find one. If you're pouring into people on your team without anyone pouring into you, it’s time to get a bigger, fuller cup in place above yours. As you begin to pray (which should be your first move in finding a mentor), here are the 6 keys that will guide you to finding the best possible person to help discover more potential in yourself.
1. The best mentor for you has something you want. A number of years ago I had lunch with a guy who told me it was possible for a person addicted to pornography to stop looking at porn entirely. He told me he knew this because he had done it. Before that lunch, I had never heard of anyone quitting, and I had come to believe it might not even be possible. But I really wanted what he claimed to have. And he was true to his word. He showed me the actions he took to become sexually ‘sober’, and helped me walk through them.
This first one is important because ultimately all anyone has to offer is their their own experience. My mentor only offered me what he already had. Nobody will be able to offer you something they don’t have. This particular mentor frequently tells me this, “I’m on my third marriage, so I’m probably not the right guy to get relationship advice from. But if you want to recover from an addiction to something like pornography, then I’m your guy.”
The beauty this step is it gives us a strong strategy for looking for the right mentor. Whatever it is you want to accomplish, look for somebody who is further down the road that you're on and ask them how to get where you’re going.
2. You should most likely look for someone older than you. Some leaders I know have this misguided notion that older people are out of touch, and can’t offer what the young leader anything relevant. This isn’t true. We certainly live in a different world than our parents did. Today’s technological advancements alone have changed the face of the planet. But, the undeniable truth is that there’s nothing new under the sun. The things that are important today are the same things that were important when our parents were kids. Their experience is still valid, and you can learn that in one of two ways. You can either listen to them and learn from their failures and triumphs, or you can wait 20 years to find out that you should have listened to them when you were younger. That one’s your call.
3. The best mentor for you is almost certainly the same sex as you. The first and most obvious reason for this is the issue of temptation that is a wrecking ball in the church today. Most churches have rules about adult leaders of the opposite sex spending time alone together. And if they don’t, they should. Even if you don’t struggle with an ounce of temptation, the simple issue of being above reproach should be enough to steer you away from a mentor of the opposite sex.
4. He or she should be an able encourager. Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s lonely at the top”? Well, it is. A good mentor won’t necessarily understand exactly what you’re going through, but he or she can offer you two extremely valuable things: a listening ear and an encouraging perspective.
The other day I was on the phone with my mentor, Jeff. I was lamenting to him about a sermon that I felt like I botched a couple weeks ago. He almost instantly began putting a positive spin on the situation. He offered me a helpful perspective that made me look at the scenario as an opportunity for growth. When you know somebody like that, move them closer to the top of your speed dial.
5. Great mentors are willing to kick you in the teeth. If you never do dumb things, this one doesn’t apply to you. If, however, you’re like every breathing person on the planet and you make mistakes every day, then it’s essential to have somebody in your life who can lovingly confront your mistakes and help you correct them. I find that my mistakes are like Pokemon. I try to catch them all, but there are just so many that I never can. So I give all my mentors a ‘teeth kicking license’. When they see a mistake, they confront it, and lovingly guide me to overcome it. This helps me become a better leader than I could ever be on my own. When you’re looking for your mentor, make sure you’re looking for somebody who won’t pull any punches when it comes to showing you where you can improve.
6. They let you keep your own emergencies. As a mentor, I’ve made the mistake of taking on my mentees emergencies as my own. When a young guy would call me and tell me about some catastrophic instance in his life, I’d go into my phone booth, but on my costume and red cape, then fly to the rescue - at least that’s how I saw it. The truth is, when I made other people’s emergencies into my emergencies, I stopped living my own life. What’s worse is I hindered my mentees from growing through their own trials. I wanted them to think so highly of me that I got in their way.
A great mentor will not necessarily rescue you from the fires in your life. He or she will know that you’ll learn the most if you deal with the trials that God has given you. This is the best way for you to grow, which should be your mentor’s goal.
The Bottom Line
Hows your vision? Have you been in need of a trip to the eye doctor for a while? Are you the type of person who puts crucial things, like finding a mentor, on the bottom of your task list? If so, it’s time to re-prioritize. It’s time to start looking for somebody who is further down the road you’re traveling. It’s time to find somebody who can tell you where the potholes are, and help you stand back up when you trip on one. It’s time to look for somebody who has what you want, and ask him or her how to get it. Find somebody who will call your bluff and help you become more effective at using the gifts God has given you.
Question: What is one thing you don’t have (character quality, job skill, life goal, etc.) that you want? Who could you ask to show you how to get it?
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