I can clearly remember the crushing weight of carrying a dirty secret onto the church stage each week, and everywhere else I went for that matter. It felt like a million pounds on my chest. At times I wondered whether or not a person could die from stress. If so, I certainly felt like a candidate.
Nearly every week I would commit to myself that
this will be the last time only to find myself feeling frustrated and defeated after 'acting out'
again. I didn't understand what I was doing wrong. There were other people who didn't seem to struggle with that stuff, why couldn't I just do what they did? My inner dialogue was a lot like the Saturday Night Live skit with Bob Newhart
below.
I tried to just stop it a lot of times. When that didn't seen to work, I tried other things. I put XXX Church's accountability software on my computer (which was a good move that actually works for a lot of guys). I tried avoiding the internet. I got accountabilibuddies. I prayed, pleaded and begged God to save me from my self. But no matter what I did, the problem only seemed to get worse.
My life went on like that for twelve frustrating years before I finally did something about it. I visited a Celebrate Recovery 12 step meeting. That was where I met my sponsor, my support group, and the program that eventually led to my sobriety. Since then I've not only learned how to break the bonds of addiction in my life, and rely wholly on Christ for my survival, I've also learned a lot about what I did that kept me living out destructive patterns over and over again.
If you're anything like me and you are still carrying around a secret that is killing you, watch out for these things. One or some of them could be why you're still struggling to find success.
1. Asking for help doesn't equal willingness to be helped. Have you ever heard someone say
, "You have to be willing to do whatever it takes." Well there's a reason people say that. It's because it's true. I went to a lot of pastors, counselors and friends for help. The only problem was, early on, I wasn't willing to do what was necessary to overcome my addiction. In the recovery world we call it denial.
Watch out for denial, it's the reason that there are 70 year old alcoholics. They never admit they have a problem. In order to overcome this, you'll have to look in the mirror with brutal honesty. You may use another person's help to figure out exactly what the issue is, just be sure you ask the right person.
2. Pridefulness is chronic. Nobody isn't prideful to some degree. And it's pride that drove me to say things like, "If I could just..." or "All I need to do is...". It's pride that kept me thinking that recovery was within my own power. But it wasn't. Truth is, I was powerless to control my tenancy to do the wrong thing. Under my own power, my life becomes unmanageable. Coincidentally, admitting to the previous two statements is the first of the 12 steps in recovery.
If you're struggling to conquer your sin, a prideful attitude may be what's standing in your way. If you've tried and failed time and time again, it may not be as simple as just stopping it like Bob Newhard suggests. In that case the prescription is to work toward understanding that you're powerless. And the best way to do that is to go to a recovery meeting and get a sponsor.
3. Asking the wrong people for help. As a young adult, I often went to other guys my age to look for guidance. Most of the time I discovered that they had the same struggles I did. For a time it was sort of comforting to discover that I wasn't alone. The only problem was those relationships were nothing more than the blind leading the blind.
If you want to make real progress, then you need someone who has been where you want to go. This probably means looking for someone older than you. When I started my recovery, I met this guy who had not looked at porn or masturbated in three years. That dude had what I wanted, so I asked him to be my sponsor. Never forget that you'll be like the people with whom you spend the most time (Prov. 13:20)
4. The world always co-signed my BS. No matter how much destruction my behavior caused, the world around me was always there to tell me that it wasn't my fault. I heard ideologies about how sex was simply a physiological need to me met, and it was okay to use porn and women to meet my need. I even heard a theory that seeking out multiple sexual partners was simply an evolutionary instinct - which, of course, meant that it was healthy.
Worldviews like those are all fine and dandy, except of course for the fact that they leave everyone involved feeling used, and alone. If you're stuck in a sinful pattern and the world is telling you it's okay, it's time to stop listening. Pornography and promiscuous sex are unimaginably damaging to everyone involved. Sex was only designed to exist within the fences of marriage. Anywhere outside of that, sex becomes a devastator.
5. A Jacked up view of God. God is all powerful? of course He is. I never had a problem believing that. I grew up going to church, and was always completely familiar with God's omnipotence. My problem was that I didn't believe God
wanted to help me. I did a lot of bad things, which I assumed He was beyond disappointed with. Plus I prayed fervently for God to remove my affliction. When He didn't seem to be doing so, I took it as evidence that He was done with me.
If that resonates with you, then you're experiencing shame. Shame is the belief that, while others simply make mistakes, you
are a mistake. Breaking away from shame is no easy task, but it can be done. If you need a good place to begin, start with what the Bible says about you - 2 Corinthians 5:21; Romans 5:8; Romans 8:37-39.
6. I felt defeated all the time. I always worked hard to try to stop acting out sexually. It was a lot of difficult work. That made it all the more defeating when I failed time and time again. Eventually, I simply gave up hope. For a long time I walked through life believing sexual sobriety wasn't even possible.
If that's you, take heart. It can be done, and it's within your reach. But, like many other things, you have to work smarter, not harder. If you want to be successful, you have to find a solution with which other people have experienced success. I love
Celebrate Recovery, because it worked for me and a lot of my friends. I also know a few guys who have had success with a non-spiritual community on Reddit.com called
NoFap. Other people i know have had success with some one on one counseling or mentoring.
7. It wasn't painful enough yet. One time I called my sponsor after I had just relapsed. I had been working my steps, going to 12 step meetings, and making the phone calls I had been asked to make. I whined to my sponsor, and asked why it wasn't working. I'll never forget his response:
Any living creature, in pain for long enough, will eventually do something about it. I know you're in pain, but maybe you're not in enough pain to do what is necessary for you to get better. It's not the end of the world. It just means you haven't hit your bottom yet. Don't worry you'll get there.
