Get the Most Out of Your Accountability Relationships

Accountability & hooking up
I remember my high school health teacher warning the class about casual sex. He told us to be careful because it's easy to rack up a large number of sexual partners without even realizing it. The same principle may be true with accountability partners.

It makes sense to say, the more accountability the better... right? Maybe not.

Today, accountability relationships are very popular. And why shouldn't they be? They're convenient, practical, and best of all they're biblical. But what about when they fall apart? Is there damage done when that happens? Of course most people will get something out of even a short accountability relationship. But is it possible that some poorly guided accountability relationships are doing more damage than good?

Here's how it happens

A young Christian is talking to a friend.

Hey man, I've really been struggling. I just feel like I need some accountability right now. Would you be willing to get together with me and help me work through this?

That's how it starts, right? He feels great to have told someone about his struggle. Maybe he even quoted James 5:16. And he's hopeful that accountability will help him accomplish what he couldn't on his own.

So him and his new accountabilibuddy make plans. They'll meet weekly or every other week at the Starbucks by the church. Oh, and one of them heard about a really great book for his exact struggle. So together they decide to get it and go through it. But they want it to be realistic, so they're going to just do a chapter a week. That seems reasonable.

Their first meeting goes great. Maybe their second one does too. Then at the third meeting, one or both of them confess that they didn't have time to do the reading. The following week, one of them has to cancel. Then a week or two later there's another cancellation. Pretty soon, the two realize they've cancelled more weeks than they have actually met. There's a part of the young Christian man in question that's kind of relieved because now he doesn't have to confess that he gave up on reading that book a long time ago.

When it's all said and done, him and his accoutabilibuddy have made a commitment to each other, which one or both of them have now broken. They've also been vulnerable with each other, sharing things they wouldn't tell to just anyone. And their 'relationship' lasted only slightly longer than a thoughtless romantic fling.

It doesn't carry the same weight as having his heart broken, but it costs the young man trust - in himself and in others. In the end, similarly to casual sex, failed accountability relationships have the real potential to leave Christians worse off than before. And, like casual sex, most Christians walk away from an accountability relationship only to do it all over again with someone else a short time later.

Making accountability work.
So what do Christians need to change build healthy relationships and get the most out of accountability in their lives? For some, it's as simple as committing to oneself to stick with the next accountability relationship. Some people have the self discipline to do that. For others it seems more difficult.

If you're looking to get the most out of Accountability in your life and you've had trouble in the past, here are some steps that will help you develop a lasting and effective accountability relationship.

Give your partner word power. It's uncomfortable to have someone point out the areas of your life that need the most work. But it's something everyone needs. Fortunately, or maybe unfrotunately, most people won't be honest with you. Give your accountability partner the authority to give you the honesty that you need.

Commit to rigorous honesty. Sharing your past is easy. Admitting today's mistakes may be harder, especially if it's the zillionth time you've had to do it. But personal progress requires rigorous honesty. Commit to being totally honest with your partner. It'll make the most significant impact on what kind of progress you make.

Set the clock. Most things in our culture have a shelf life. Your clothes, car, computer, phone, etc. are all designed to become obsolete so that you will get a new one. It's called 'planned obsolescence', and it's not a bad thing. In fact, it keeps the economy moving. It's also not a bad idea to give your accountability relationships a shelf life. Select an amount of time after which you'll evaluate to see if you're accomplishing your goals. Then either continue meeting, or move on to another relationship. This will help you ensure that things don't get stagnant.

Only consider accountability with someone you trust implicitly. If you're going to commit to rigorous honesty with someone, you had better know you can trust him to keep his word. Look for someone you can be truly vulnerable with. If you can't think of anyone, begin praying that God will show you to the right person. He likes prayers like that. Pray and I bet you'll find the who your looking for.

Confess your priorities. Lots of people will commit to accountability without thinking about where the new relationship ranks on their list of priorities. You should know whether your meetings with your partner will be more or less important than the free tickets you got to go see Gungor.


Question: What about you? What have you done to get the most out of your accountability relationships?

Cover photo courtesy of Derek Swanson at Flickr.com