What do you say to team members when their lives fall apart?

Ministry is messy. There's no way around it. Given enough time, the people you shepherd will go through some of the most unimaginable kinds of pain. Hot button issues like adultery, divorce, rape, abortion, etc. are a daily reality for lots of church leaders.

Photo courtesy of MarLeah Cole at Flickr.com

And you don't even have to be a pastor to get close to people's disasters. Most of the church leaders who sit through the roughest times, with devastated church members, are part time or even volunteer lay leaders. Many times these people are on the front lines and end up doing triage in the church.

Handling life's catastrophes is tough enough, especially if you're a volunteer with no counseling background. And it begs the question What do you say to church members when their lives fall apart?

The First Battle
I remember my first ministry job. I was a part time worship leader at a church near my college. One night, I was driving home from a friend's house and I got a call from one of the musicians on my team. He was older than me, and was married with two children.

When I answered the phone, I was shocked at what he told me - Tim, my wife just took my kids and left me. Can you come over? Feeling more than a little bit panicked, I told him I was on my way.

Being so young, I had no relevant experience to speak of. I didn't have children, nor had I ever been married. So I immediately called another pastor and briefed him on my friend's situation. He seemed surprisingly laid back in his response, and didn't offer me any real advice on what to do or say. So I asked him, I've never done this before. What do I say? 

He responded with a laid back tone again, saying There are no pact answers for this. There is no text book. You have to just go and do your best. Welcome to being a pastor. 

I hung up the phone and thought to myself, Wow. That was really not helpful. But I did what he said anyway. I went to my friend's house and sat with him. We talked and prayed and didn't have an agenda. It was a special night. And if I'm being honest, the night I spent with that team member is the reason I am in ministry today. It also taught me a few really important things about how to approach team members who's lives are in meltdown.

When you're in the eye of the storm, don't try to go anywhere. Eventually, you are going to find yourself speaking with someone who is inconsolable. This typically happens on the day, or the day after someone receives terrible news (i.e. divorce papers or the sudden death of a loved one). That's the eye of the storm. No matter which direction you go from there, there's only wind and rain and destruction.

So don't plan on making any progress, or even consoling the person. The next day he won't remember what you said, or what he said for that matter. Sometimes in those instances, the best you can offer is a listening ear, and a simple statement like That's terrible. I'm so sorry. In those cases, your presence is your best present.

Be sure people are asking for advice before you give it. It can be easy to misread a person when he starts venting all of his problems to you. If you're prideful (like I am) you'll immediately think Oh wow! He has come to me for advice. Time for me to give him some wisdom that will rock his world. Then only moments later, I find myself embarrassed as he explains that he is already pursuing another solution, and just needed someone to talk to.

Now I'll ask people if they're looking for my advice. It may be a little awkward to say something like Do you have a solution or are you looking for my advice here? but it's certainly more comfortable than the alternative.

Don't prompt people to disregard or ignore their pain. The pain of a divorce, or even break up in an important dating relationship is very relevant, and it needs to be experienced. The last thing you want is to encourage a person to reduce, reject, or deny the pain. It sounds like a simple idea, but emotional discouragement can be subtle.

It's uncomfortable to watch someone cry the ugly cry. In that uncomfortable moment, it can be tempting to encourage a friend to not cry. But crying may be the very thing your friend needs. The best thing you can do is sit in the uncomfortableness with him or her.

 Always remember that a people experience pain for a reason. We all know that God has a reason for the various trials we go through (James 1:20). If people on your team are experiencing trials, it's because God want's to teach them something, or has something better in store for their lives. It's a simple thing to remember, but it can make all the difference when you're in the uncomfortable seat watching someone suffer.

Do everyone a favor and don't make a habit trying to console people with the above point. There are time's when you should tell someone that their pain exists for a reason. But it typically isn't when they're pain has brought them beyond the point of rational thought.

It is certainly important for people to know that God has a reason and a plan for their pain, but you'd do well to wait until emotions have tapered off a little bit, and your team member is able to process more information. This may involve waiting for only a few hours or a day, but it's important to wait that period of time.


Wrapping it up
If you're in church leadership, you're going to experience it. There's just no way around the brutality of life. When you find yourself in the midst of hurting people, keep these simple things in mind. And always know that God has your back.

Question: What have people said to you during your darkest hours that has made the difference in your life?