I've been training fighters for a couple years now. And there's one thing almost all new fighters do when they're sparring. A couple minutes into the second or third round, when their arms feel tired, they begin to drop their guard. Their hands slip down, until their elbows are resting on their hips. That leaves them open to whatever their opponent wants to throw at them. And the same thing happens to the young men and women we mentor. As they work to discover more potential in their lives, they will inevitably experience the fatigue that comes with hard work. If you've been mentoring for any period of time at all, you've seen this.
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You know it too well
It begins with you sitting across the table from a wide eyed young whippersnapper, who wants to stop looking at porn, or grow closer to Jesus, or figure out how to talk to a particular girl, or whatever. Since growing up is harder than it's ever been, he understands that it's not going to be a walk in the park. He wouldn't be talking to you if he didn't. But he also doesn't understand what kind of opposition still lays ahead of him.
After listening to his problems, you begin to give him guidance. You warn him about some of the mistakes you've made, and tell him what has worked for you. Maybe you even give him a book that really impacted you. He takes the book and enthusiastically says, "Thanks, I'm going to read this." And if you've been mentoring for long enough, you have to resist the urge to slam your fists on the table and shout, "Liar!"
Then for the next few meetings, he shares what seems like evidence that he's making progress toward his goals. But over the next few meetings, you watch him slip back into the patterns of his previous life. Maybe he's even honest enough to tell you that he hasn't picked up the book you gave him since your second meeting.
Don't let it get you down
At that moment, it's easy to become discouraged as a mentor. You may find yourself asking where did I go wrong? Did I invest too little? or maybe you're the type that mentally puts the burden back on your mentee thinking Maybe I was wrong about this guy. Maybe he doesn't have the potential I thought he did. Frankly, both of those attitudes are unfair. The first is unfair to you. The second is unfair to your poor protege.
The truth is most of the people you mentor are going to experience fatigue of some kind when they start working toward their goals. It doesn't mean something is wrong. It's simply the first sign of real change. And in those moments of extreme exhaustion, there are some important things you can do for your mentee to keep him from throwing in the towel.
Maybe it's time to think about slowing down just a bit. Your mentee may have convinced himself that he needs a break because, "life is just getting in the way". Push back on that. Question his decision to give up. Some people need to be encouraged to stay the course. And if he is absolutely convinced that it's too much, look for a way to scale back. Do your best to encourage him to keep going, because he's just beginning to get to the point where he can grow.
Sometimes a kind word is the key to winning. The world has no shortage of critical people. And some young people have had their fill of them. So a kind and understanding tone coming from you may be the difference between encouraging them to continue working with you, and giving up entirely.
Some people just need to be yelled at. Young men, especially, need someone to get right up in their face and be brutally honest. I was one of those young guys. I carried around a deadly mixture of insecurity and arrogance that kept me from being useful to anyone. Then I met two guys named Caleb and Bradley who got right in my face and told me what kind of man I was shaping up to be. It scared the living daylights out of me, and changed the course of my life.
As a last result, you should let your mentee quit, because continuing would be a waste of your time. Occasionally, you'll encounter someone who has convinced himself that, for one reason or another, he can't continue. And while you may be certain that it's not in his best interest to quit, you'd be wasting your time to try to convince him of that. In those cases, encourage your young man to continue looking for ways to grow. Then move on, always keeping in mind that his life, as well as yours, is squarely in God's hands.
Question: What's the most impactful thing a mentor has ever said to you?
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