The Unexpected Beauty of the Blended Family

The rise of divorce in America has all but beheaded the notion of the nuclear family (mom, dad, 2.5 biological children). And decades of cultural evolution have yielded a new breed of family to replace the familial unit of our parent's parents generation. We have become the generation of step children, and second and even third marriages.

When I was growing up, everyone referred to them tragically as 'broken families'. For a long time the topic was taboo among church going folk.  Then, when people started talking about it, they cataloged the negative effects of divorce and remarriage on parents and their children; and certainly not for no reason. Many divorced people rank the split of their marriage as one of the most painful experiences of their lives.

However, as many of those same people have remarried and settled into stability, they're beginning to shake the stigma of being 'broken'. And lots of people are finding that there's an unexpected beauty to being in a blended family.

My Blended Experience
I grew up in a Baptist Church where the nuclear family was very much the norm. When I first learned about divorce and remarriage in the church, I wasn't sure what to make of it. With the way everyone talked about divorced people, I was sure someone was going to hell. But I was also confused the first time I saw a mixed race couple, so that's not saying much.

I always assumed I'd get married young, have kids, and be married for 40 years like my parents. I never thought I'd marry someone who was divorced, had kids, or God forbid - both. Then I met Allison. She loved Jesus, and her milkshake brought proverbial the boys to the yard. Suddenly the whole divorce and children thing didn't seem like such a big deal. Five months later we were married (no joke), and I became dad to two young girls. That was three and a half years ago.

I've learned that there's a unique beauty to leading a blended family. These are just a few things I've come to love.

Building trust and healing wounds. When I married Allison, my new daughters had already had their hearts broken by other father figures. For that reason, they didn't trust me. In the months following my wedding, when Scarlett (5yrs then) would wake up while I was carrying her to bed, she'd become terrified. She would wiggle out of my arms and run crying to Allison.

Now-a-days, she won't go to bed until she gets her daddy cuddles. And when she wakes up in my arms, she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me on the cheek. Trust never felt so good.

A clear and present need to connect with my kids. For biological parents, it's almost a foregone conclusion that your kids will be like you in some way. That can make it easy to take common areas of interest for granted.

Neither of my girls are genetically predisposed to be like me in any way, which means I have to be intentional about finding and developing areas of shared interest. And the results of my efforts have been amazing. Alura and I both love art. We can talk about music and writing all day. I have loved working along side of her to develop her creative writing blog. And Scarlett is my little fighter. I love taking her to the boxing gym with me. She's already a formidable opponent.

An opportunity to face the challenge of co-parenting. This one is a mixed bag for parents in blended families. Some people feel burdened by having to co-parent with their spouse's immature or vindictive ex. Fortunately for me, I got a good deal when it comes to the other parent.

Both my girls have different biological dads. Neither of them live in the same state as us. But they're also both decent guys. Alura's dad, Ryan, and I get along especially well.

A very distinct lack of a comfort zone. When it comes to Allison and my biological son, Silas, I feel a sense of peace, knowing that I am the only dad that's vying for his affections. I'm the only person to whom he shouts, "Dada!" Not the case with Alura. She's very close with her dad, Ryan. And their deep connection keeps me constantly aware that I can never afford to simply coast as her father.

It's not that it's a competition, and I certainly have no interest in taking Ryan's place in her heart. But for me, the sense of challenge is good. It keeps me on my toes, and reminds me that I'm not the only one after my girl's hearts, and I need to consistently put in the effort to find new ways to give them extravagant love.

Unexpected awesome new family. I mentioned Alura's dad, Ryan, above. Him and I get along really well. I've also become close with Scarlett's paternal aunt, Brittany. Aside from being an awesome aunt to Scarlett, she's become like a sister to me. And she's the editor for my writing to boot. She's proved invaluable in producing this blog, and I couldn't have written my first ebook, Good Fight, without her. 

Question of the day: What was your view of blended families when you were growing up?

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