How to relate with your stepkids about their baby daddies.

You've probably noticed that your girlfriend or wife doesn't have the best things to say about her ex(s), which makes good sense in light of the fact that their relationships didn't last. And it can be comforting to hear your girl talk about how much other men fall short of you. But when you date or marry someone who has kids with with their ex, that person takes on a whole new position in your life. And you have to learn to respond differently in turn. 

Photo courtesy of Damian Bakarcic at flickr.com

When you're raising someone else's kid, you're forced to face different aspects of their biological dad just by nature of the fact that you've got his offspring running around your house. And how you treat and talk about your child's baby daddy will have a huge impact on his/her life and relationship with you.

When I married Allison, I became a dad to two beautiful girls with two different biological dads. Over the years, I've learned tons about my girls and their dads. I've also learned boatloads from watching other guys interact with their step kids. And here are what I consider to be the 5 commandments of relating to my kids about their biological dads. 

Let the child lead the way. It's not always a good idea to put control into your kid's hands, but on this topic it may be necessary. When you're in a blended family, you're almost definitely raising a child who has gone through the pain of having family break up in the past. That can be pretty scarring for a child. And one important way to help your step kid heal is to give him or her control when it comes to conversations, and even interactions that have to do with their past or relationship with their biological dad. It's okay to ask a question here or there, but it's probably best to wait until your kids is ready to come to you.

Hope he is involved in his child's life, even if you're not a fan. When it comes to your kid's baby daddy, there are only three options for his level of involvement in their lives. The first is he just isn't there at all. This is less than desirable because it'll always leave your kid with some part of his/her heart wondering what's wrong with him/her. And while that's bad, the next option is much worse. The second option is that your kid's baby daddy is intermittently involved. He makes promises and breaks them, constantly cancels plans, and ultimately breaks your kid's heart over and over again. 

Even if you're not your baby daddy's biggest fan, hope the third option is still the best. It's the one where he has some sort of regular and reliable involvement that lets your (and his) child see that he/she is valued. Because all kids have a deep and restless need know that their loved by their dads.

Appreciate the good things about the baby daddy you can see in the kids. It's easy to point out people's weaknesses. But it takes true wisdom and insight to see their strengths. When it comes to seeing my daughter's biological dads come to life in their actions, it's be easy for me to criticize them. But the truth is, that criticism would only come out of my own insecurity. Because at the end of the day, I know I'll never have what those guys do - a blood connection to my daughters. And besides, it's infinitely nicer to reflect on positive things about other people than to harbor bitter resentments. 

Be respectful of your kid's dad, regardless of whether he deserves it. There's only one thing more tragic than the traumatic interactions some biological dad's have with their kids, and that's when their step dads ignorantly trash talk their those guys to other people. 

It's painful enough for a child to have a father who says and does hurtful things. But that pain is compounded when the child learns that the proper way to respond is to trash talk him to other people. So make a conscious effort to speak about your kid's dad with the kind of respect you'd like to receive. Because ultimately, the example you set for your step kids is one of the most significant things you'll give him/her. 

Make peace with the fact that you'll never ever replace him. As a step dad, you likely won't hold the same position in your kid's heart as his/her birth dad - especially if he's actively involved in the child's life. You'll be the second rung on the latter, which is fine because you can be something else. You can be you. And in the same way that your son or daughter's birth dad has strengths, you have strengths that will help you hold the position of dad in your child's life. 

But I'm curious to hear from you. What have you done or seen people do to create powerful and positive step-parent connections with their kids? Please leave a comment in the section below. 

Thanks for reading,
Tim