by Tim Swanson
I was talking to a friend the other day about a pastor from the church where she grew up. She told me the heartbreaking story of his wife discovering his hidden sex addiction; his refusal to get help with his issue; and perhaps worst of all, the church that turned a blind eye to this unrepentant pastor. Not only has that guy posted a big sign on his life saying, "Don't follow my example" but my good friend is now questioning everything she ever learned from him.
These days stories like this have become all too common. Most of them share many of the same major plot points: A leader falls into secret destructive behavior. He/She develops a secret life to protect the behavior. Everyone who loved and trusted the leader are devastated when they find out. The lives of everyone involved are irreparably devastated. People go on to tell the leader's tragic tale as a warning to others. Coincidentally, that leader's name probably travels further because of the scandal than it ever would have for a life lived well. And in the words of best selling author, John Acuff, "You don't want to go viral for the wrong reason". One thing many of these people seem to have in common is that they slipped into their destructive lifestyle slowly, making one small compromise after another. So if you're a leader of any kind, it's important to take inventory regularly and make sure your standards don't begin to slip. Here are two dangers you should watch for that will derail you as a leader and wreck your influence.
1. Secret Sin: Career and family destroying sins are born in grey areas. Most people are not immediately tempted to cheat on their wives with transvestite hookers, though it happens. Even the guys that do that sort of stuff usually start off by doing one small thing that seems morally ambiguous. Maybe it's getting out the door at just the right time to catch a glimpse of the girl who is never late for her morning short shorts run down your street. Or maybe is your growing "friendship" with the girl at work who's jokes you wouldn't laugh so hard at if your wife was around. Wherever your grey areas are, it's good to be honest with yourself about them so you can confront them before they destroy you.
2. Bitterness: If you're like me, it can be hard to let go of anger. But anger is only the beginning. When you hold on to anger it turns into bitterness, which is significantly more powerful. Bitterness is all consuming, and it robs you of the ability to lead well. It keeps you focused on your own issues and breeds selfishness, which blinds you to the needs of the people you're leading. As your team's needs go unmet, the team slowly becomes ineffective. When that happens, people begin losing hope. That's when they quit.
What Do You Do About It?
If you’re reading this and you know you’re building a secret life of sin or you’re up to your eye balls in bitterness, you’re not beyond hope. I have dealt with both of these killers in my own life and ministry. I have seen that God is a God of restoration and recovery, not condemnation and contempt as I once feared He was.
Putting your secret life to rest: At one time, I was one of those church leaders who got lost in a secret life of sin. The road out of it was costly and painful (for more than just myself). But it was worth it. A big part of my problem was that I felt like I couldn’t tell anyone what I was doing. Maybe you feel the same way. If that’s the case, I am here to tell you that you don’t have to keep the secret life a secret. There are people you can tell, and that’s the first step in recovering from the secret life. It’s scary, but certainly worth it. If you’re feeling buried in the things that you haven’t told anyone, you can use my email address, timswansonmusic@gmail.com, to begin a confidential conversation about how to dig your way out of the dark hole of your secret life.
Removing the bitterness blinders from your life: The first step may sound counterintuitive, but it’s not. Pray for joy. If you’re bitter toward someone, perhaps even someone on your team, begin praying that God will give that person joy. Even if you have to pray it through clenched teeth. Pray that God would give that person all the things you want for yourself. That will begin to rebuild a selfless perspective. Bitterness will begin to lose its grip and you’ll experience some freedom. Before long you’ll be ready for the next step - cleaning up your side of the street. Most of us are not completely innocent when it comes to the situations that started our bitterness, and almost all bitter people make things worse through their bitterness. So as you seek to move on, it’s important to begin making amends to the people that you have wronged in your bitterness. This is a simple process. You go to a person you’ve wronged in some way and take responsibility for your side of things (without pointing out their’s). Then you ask how you can make things right. You’ll be surprised at how healing this action is. Often times, in making amends, I’ve been astonished as the other person takes responsibility for his/her side of things as well. There's powerful healing in that.
It was a few years ago, but I remember very clearly how it felt to be buried in a secret life of sin, and constricted by bitterness. I remember feeling like the walls were closing in on me. I felt like I had no body I could turn to. I wouldn’t wish that on anybody. And if you’re experiencing it now, I sincerely hope you’ll consider taking some of these basic steps I mentioned above. My prayer for you is that God will do for you what He did for me. And before long, you’ll experience restoration and a renewed vitality that’s unlike anything you could have imagined before. 
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