When Allison was pregnant with our son Silas, my oldest daughter Alura (not biologically mine) asked, "Dad, are you going to love Silas more than Scarlett and me?"
I said, "Well... No, I don't think so. But you'll probably think I do. He'll be a baby, so he's going to get a lot of attention from your mom and me. But when he's your age, I imagine my relationship with him will look a lot more like my relationship with you. I'll probably spend way more time disciplining him than I want to and I'll wish we could spend more quality time together than we do."
The unexpected side of being a non-bio dad
Unexpected and nearly impossible to answer questions are just part of being a parent. And the more complicated your family dynamic is, the more you'll have to face those questions. For that reason, you have to be more intentional about certain aspects of your parenting.
There are some parts of parenting biological kids that a parent can take for granted. Biological parents typically have a special connection with their kids from birth, since they're genetically predisposed to be like a lot like their parents. Step and adoptive parents don't have that.
In the same way that a guy and girl have to work to find areas of common interest on a first date, non biological parents have to work to forge a relationship with their new kids. I didn't meet my daughters until they were 5 and 11 years old. That means I missed a lot of important stages of their lives. So in the first couple years there were a few important things that I had to do to build relationships with both of my girls.
Here are the things I did with my daughters that'd I'd recommend.
Let them drive the car? Letting my girls drive my car probably would have earned huge brownie points, but that's not what I'm talking about. When you marry someone who has kids, you automatically get an unspoken extra gift with your new relationships - baggage. Your new family lost a husband and dad to death or abandonment. And even if your new kids never knew their dad, growing up without him will have taken it's toll.
My girls suffered abandonment from more than one guy. So when I married Allison, I had to work past broken trust. I handled that by letting them drive in our relationship. They got to choose whether they called me Dad or Tim (they both decided to call me dad). They got to decide when I could start showing them physical affection. That helped them build the trust that has been critical in my relationships with both my girls.
Become the king of consistency. You know how they say kids need structure. Well, kids who have lived with the inconsistency of father figures moving in and out of their lives need extra structure. But not necessarily structure in their lives.
My girls needed me to adhere to structure and be consistent for them, even when they tried to push me away. I did that with Scarlett in that I would carry her to bed each night. When Allison and I were first married, Scarlett would wake up in my arms and freak out. She'd wiggle out of my hands and run back to Allison. Now, nearly four years later, Scarlett won't got to bed unless I carry her to it.
Make sure they know what your job is. The job of a dad is as deep as it is wide. A good dad knows that there is so much more to fathering than love and instruction. And while loving his kids, he remains aware that it's not his job to keep them happy all the time.
When I first became dad to Scarlett and Alura, I would routinely ask them if they knew what my job as their dad was. At first they'd say things like, "to love us, and teach us how to be successful." I'd have to prod a little, but I also wanted to make sure they knew that it was my job to teach them discipline, and to protect them. I would also remind them that I'm willing to kill and be killed to keep them safe.
In my house, step is a four letter word. The way family members talk to each other has a huge amount of influence in how they will relate to each other and understand themselves.
In this article, I've referred to my daughters as my step kids several times. But they've never heard me call them that. In my house, they're just my daughters. And I'm just their dad. That has helped me build a closer bond with both of them.
Ask God to give you a father's heart. The best way to be intentional about building a relationship with your step kids is to ask God to help you. After all, you have not because you ask not (James 4:3). So ask God to make you the dad that He wants your kids to have.
While Allison and I were engaged, and after our wedding I regularly asked God to help me love my girls the same as a biological dad would. I prayed that prayer a lot, and it was tough to know if it was working since I didn't have any biological children with which compare my love. But now that Allison and I have Silas, I can safely say that God answered my prayer. I don't have two step daughters and a biological son. I just have three kids.
But what about you? What have you done to be intentional with your kids whether their biologically yours or not? Please leave your answer in the comment section below.
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