How to tell if a recovering addict is about to relapse

One of the scariest parts of recovery is the anxiety that comes with worrying that you or someone you care about will relapse after they've gotten a foothold in sobriety.

Photo courtesy of Michael Dunn at Flickr.com

It happens commonly. In fact, it's a statistical probability. And it can happen to anyone at any point in their recovery. I remember an old school teacher who once confided in me that he was brokenhearted over a close friend who had relapsed after 15 years. He said his friend had gotten married and even had a couple kids during his stint without drinking. Then one day, for no apparent reason, he started drinking again and brought his whole family into a world of darkness that he had worked so hard to leave behind.

Stories like those leave a lot of people (addicts included) wondering Is there a way I could have stopped this? Is there anything I could have done? Well, there's good news and bad news.



The Good News
The good news is, if you or someone you care about is in any danger of relapsing, there are typically plenty of warning signs. Some addicts are better at hiding their deviant behaviors than others, but most of us are terrible liars.

Whether the addict in your life is into drinking, smoking, gambling, porn, sex, food, or relationships here are some sure signs that he or she is leaning over the edge of the wagon.

Note: After I began writing this post, I got a call that a dear family friend relapsed after 8 years of sobriety. And in a conversation we had over the phone, I asked her for some input on this post. So some of these warning signs of relapse come straight from the mouth of one who currently has skin in the game.

Talking about using again. This is one that my recently relapsed family friend mentioned. She said that not too long before she end her 8 years of sobriety, she had began just joking about drinking again. As the stress in her life mounted, she would make off the cuff remarks about drinking again.

I've seen this before in people with other addicts. It all goes back to this old idiom - There's a little truth in everything. If a recovering addict is joking about looking at porn, gambling, or getting lit, he's probably more than just joking.

Isolating. For anyone who wants to numb the pain, the only thing better than using is using alone. There's a special degree of self pity that a person can reach when there's nobody around to point out all the things you've got to live for.

Even someone who's sober can begin inching toward the edge by drastically upping their alone time. And if you know an addict who has suddenly dropped off the map, just remember that well adjusted people don't suddenly cut everyone off. And addicts don't do nothing when they're alone.

Reconnecting with 'old friends'. One of the best parts of going to recovery meetings is listening to people's war stories. These are the stories of when they used to use. They're typically jaw dropping, and they always end with the words, "I shouldn't have survived." The other thing that all those was stories have in common is that they're filled with a cast of unsavory characters.

When people get into recovery, there is typically only one reason to stay connected with the people with whom they used to use - to create more war stories.

Keeping secrets. Secrets are dangerous for anyone. They're even more dangerous for a person who's secrets habits can be fatal. It's typically not too difficult to tell if an addict is keeping secrets. Like I said earlier, most of us are terrible liars. If things don't add up, it could be a sign that there's a deadly secret.


Harboring resentments. From time to time, my sponsor reminds me of this truism: Any creature in pain for long enough will eventually do something about it.

For humans, resentment is one of the most painful things a person can live with. And for an addict using and abusing is the most logical way to handle pain.

The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous describes resentment as the force that drives an uncontrollable life. More than anger, a resentment is bitterness that rots the core of a person's soul.


So if you're noticing any of these warning signs with an addict that's close to you it begs the question what can I do about it?

The Bad News
There's an old saying among people in recovery that goes like this: People either get help when they see the light or when they feel the heat... but none of us have ever met anyone who's seen the light. What it means is that addicts often don't get help until things get bad enough that the pain is so bad that change is the only option. People refer to it as hitting rock bottom.

If you know an addict who seems like he or she might be on the verge of relapsing, there may be nothing you can do to stop it. Addicts are funny like that. We have a distinct and unattractive need to learn from our own mistakes. But just because you can't stop relapse doesn't mean there's nothing you can do?

Disaster may be an inevitable choice for us addicts, but that doesn't make us hopeless. Loving someone through relapse isn't easy, but it's exactly what may be needed. It won't be fun to watch the person you love shipwreck their life. And it certainly won't be easy, but it will give you a chance to express a pure and truly selfless love. And it could make all the difference in the world to the person who is trying to get back on the wagon.

What solutions have you seen, used, or heard of people using to recover from their addictions? Leave a comment with your thoughts in the section below. Thanks for reading.

Warmly,
Tim