Here's My Guide To Setting Healthier Boundaries Within the Church

Judging eyes moved over me, as I walked down the narrow isle of the airplane carrying my twenty month old son. I awkwardly made my way to my seat, near the back of the plane, and sat down.

The flight attendant began the pre-flight instructions. So I did what everyone does and tuned out. My son, Silas, sat on my lap fidgeting with the lock on the tray table. I joined him in the fidgeting for a few minutes before the flight attendant’s words grabbed my attention, “For those of you with lap babies, we’re going to have a few bumps as we take off, so be sure to hold onto your kids. Remember, you are their seat-belt.”

I became instantly aware of where my hands were. Do I have him? As soon as I had  wrapped my hands around his waist, my mind began playing back scenes from airplane movies where the cabin breaks apart mid-flight, and every unsecured person is sucked out of the plane to certain death. Obviously that doesn’t happen every day, or in real life. But it was enough to help me feel the weight of my responsibility. As his father, it’s my job to feed him, teach him, love him, and at this point in his life keep him safe. It’s a very big responsibility.

It’s a sobering privilege. And when I’m pouring myself out to keep my son safe, I’m honoring God. Sometimes I even have to ignore my own well-being to get the job done. And God is honored by that too. While my son is unable to do anything for himself, I often have to blow past my own boundaries to do my job. 

But 

Like many leaders, I often forget that the same level of boundary-less sacrifice isn’t healthy when it comes to other relationships in my life. In fact, it’s really unhealthy. But I do it. My problem is, if I’m not careful, I’ll ignore my need for boundaries to the point that it’s detrimental to myself and the rest of my team.

I overstep my own boundaries for lots of reasons. Sometimes I want to be seen as the 'good guy', or I want to avoid confrontation. Other times it's because I feel guilty, as if setting boundaries for myself means I'm selfish. The rest of the time, it's because I'm afraid. In any case, when I fail to set healthy boundaries for myself and the people I work with, I never have a good reason. 

I'm certainly no special case. My boundary issues are the same as nearly every other leader's. The nice thing is, the fix for my boundary issues will be the same for other leaders like me. If you struggle with boundaries in any of these areas, think about working through one of these simple fixes. 

Confronting poor performance. If you'll believe it, there have been people on my team who, from time to time, have put in less than their best. Crazy, I know. 

When people show up late for rehearsal or clearly haven't learned the music, my temptation is to say something like, "it's okay, I'm sure you had a busy week. You'll do better next time." Certainly there are times when that's the case, but there are also plenty of times when it's just laziness. And if I'm being totally honest, I can typically spot the difference. And the solution to this problem is simple. 

When your team members begin to develop bad habits, you have to be willing to confront them. The nice thing is it's typically as simple as making a passing request for more effort. For the rare situations where people are resistant to correction, my boss gave me a great boundary setting statement. When I've had conversations with people who refuse to show up on time and prepared, I'll simply say, "Being on time and prepared are basic requirements for being a part of this team. If you're not willing to do that, you can't serve here." Simple but effective. 

Putting up with disrespectful attitudes. As with most leaders, confrontation can be uncomfortable for me. I don't want to be the 'bad guy', and potential for conflict is scary for me. 

Nevertheless, when dealing with disrespectful people, straight forwardness has great value. If you find yourself facing a disrespectful team member, it can be as simple as saying, "It's my goal to be respectful to you. And in return I'd like you to make the same effort for me. Would you be willing to do that?" 

Of course there's always a chance that the person will say no. It'll be rare, but if it happens, then it's time to start talking about removing that person from the team. People who refuse to be respectful to others are poisonous to everyone.  

 Unable to say no. For a long time, I felt the need to take every opportunity that came my way. I thought it was my job to get as much as possible done with the life God gave me. But that's not really the case. Certainly, God wants us to be productive with out lives. That's part of being in Jesus' family. However, even Jesus set boundaries with people. 

Jesus spent a lot of time with crowds of suffering people. But at times, he would go out of his way to avoid these crowds (Matthew 8:18; Matthew 14:13). Jesus had his own reasons for distancing himself from crowds of needy and suffering people. He would withdraw to a quiet place, and often spend time praying.

We all need to step away from time to time to care for ourselves if we are going to be of any real use to others. Saying no is often about creating margin in our lives and giving us the time we need to connect with God and refresh for what lays ahead. 

Question: What area of your life could use some firmer boundaries?