Men, here's why settling down never ever means you're just settling.

We've all seen this before. A guy is having a conversation with his friends, and from the distance comes the voice of his wife, "Honey, will you come here?" He looks at the other guys with sad eyes, as if to say 'help me', and then walks away. After he's gone, his friends stand around and each make a jab at their emasculated buddy for being whipped.

Photo courtesy of Nathan Congleton at Flickr.com

Among young men today, there's a common mindset that goes like this: Marriage is the end of fun. 
And once I settle down, I'll be settling for a boring life. Now, most guys won't come right out and say that, but it's what they're thinking. And the numbers prove it.

A study from the Barna Group shows that marriage is on the decline among young people. In 2008, only 84% of Christians tied the knot, while 74% of non-Christian faith members got married, and only 65% of atheists and agnostics got married.

There are a slew of reasons that people are putting off and even avoiding marriage all-together. But not the least among them is the above mentioned mindset that says marriage is settling for less than the best.

And with that understanding of marriage, many of those same guys eventually get married. And in the end, it's what they don't understand that kills their marriage. And what they don't understand is this: it's impossible to settle in marriage. Let me explain.

First, let me acknowledge the fact that marriage isn't without sacrifice. When I was single and in my twenties I could do pretty much whatever I wanted. If I wanted to pack my bags and move to Scotland for a semester, I could... and I did. Now that I'm married with three kids, Scotland isn't even on my radar.

Having a family does consume a lot of your time. But it's still impossible to settle or even settle for less than the best in marriage for one simple reason - marriage is a mental and emotional force that drives all of us one way or another.

In other words, marriage pushes you to grow together or grow apart. And you don't ever get to just settle.

Some men lose their wives. 
The guys who do go into a marriage thinking they're settling don't understand that marriage isn't static. A marriage is a living thing that's either growing or dying depending on what you're feeding it.

The guy who is counting on settling is typically the same guy who wants to be left alone after a long day of work. He's the guy who feels entitled to time by himself. When his wife wants to spend time with him after a long day, he gets frustrated. He feels like she is encroaching on his time.

As the months and even years go on, the guy who believes he settled will starve his marriage. He and his wife grow further and further apart, until they feel like complete strangers. Then at some point, when one or both of them just simply cannot take it anymore, they get divorced. And the guy who thought marriage was about settling finds himself wondering what went wrong.

Occasionally you'll meet a guy with a 'settling' mentality that didn't end up getting divorced. Unfortunately, he's the guy who's marriage just seems miserable. He thought him and his wife would grow old together and maybe even stay out of each other's way. But by the time they've gotten to that point, it's only because they have a deep resentment for each other.

Some men blow their wives minds.
Then there's another type of guy. He doesn't think marriage is about settling. In fact, he feels quite the opposite. For him marriage is about not settling for anything less than the best.

When it comes to his intimacy with his wife, he won't settle for anything less than the best. When it comes to resolving conflict, he won't settle for anything less than total resolution. He won't settle for a lack luster sex life. He won't settle for his wife to feel like he's just sort of available. And he won't settle for being anything less than an awesome husband to his wife.

He is the guy who after still holds his wife's hand after 50 years of marriage. And during those 50 years, he never stops looking for ways to grow as a husband and grow closer to his wife.

Here's the reality.
The guy who refuses to settle sounds like an amazing guy. I wish I was like him. I know a handful of men who seem to be this guy. But the reality is, most of us aren't there. And fortunately, most of us aren't totally like the first guy either.

The truth is, most of us land somewhere in the middle. We have moments where we're on our A game. And we have moments where we just want to be left alone and disconnect from the world. That's how I am.

When I get a day off, there's always an inner struggle between the side of me that's selfish and wants to just have a hastle-free day. and the other side of me that wants to take every opportunity to be helpful around the house, and do all those little things for Allison that I don't get to do during the rest of the week. And honestly, sometimes the helpful side wins, and other times the selfish side wins.

The challenge ceasing those moments where it could go either way, and being intentional about which way you go. Everyone needs at least some time by themselves to unwind, but it certainly shouldn't be the majority of the time. In fact, it probably shouldn't be more than a fraction of the time. And aside form the occasional decision to spend some time with yourself, the rest of those moments should be dedicated to working toward oneness with your wife, and not settling for anything less than the best for both of you.

How do you go about not settling for second best in your marriage? Please leave your answer in the comment section below.

Warmly,
Tim