Being a parent is tough work. It's a 24/7 job that never ends. And it's hard enough without us making it harder on ourselves. But that's what a lot of parents do. They make parenting way more physically and emotionally painful than it has to be.
I'm familiar with this because I tend to do it to myself. When it comes to raising my kids, I complicate and confuse things with my own ego and attitude. And at first I didn't even realize I was doing it. But fortunately for me, I got a great piece of advice when I was just getting started that has made all the difference.
I had no idea what I was in for
It was about 4 years ago, and I was engaged to a smokin' hot young single mom named Allison. I was about to marry her and become a dad to two sweet young girls (5yrs & 12yrs at the time). I was excited, but in reality I had no clue what I was in for.
I was talking with a work friend who had raised several daughters of his own. I told him that Alura was 12 and about to become a teenager, and he widened his gaze and gave me 'yikes' eyes. Then he gave me some unsolicited advice. Typically I hate unsolicited advice, but in this case I'm so thankful that my friend didn't hold back.
He said, "When you're raising teenage girls, you just have to remember one thing. Don't take it personally." It's no secret that the teenage years are filled with hormonal and emotional highs and lows for all teens. What he meant in his advice was that when you're raising teenage girls, and they have a hormonal meltdown, you shouldn't take it personally.
More than a tactic
When he first told me that, I assumed it was a tactic for finding personal peace during the more turbulent seasons of parenting. What I didn't learn until more recently was that not taking things personally is actually an important part of being a good parent. Here's how it works.
When my girls are having a bad day, and it comes across in their attitudes, my first instinct is to take it personally. Then I feel disrespected, and when that happens I get frustrated. And once I'm frustrated, I respond poorly by raising my voice too much or handing out consequences that don't make any sense.
The consequence in this is two fold. First, I feel terrible about how I've interacted with my kids. Secondly it makes my girl's bad day even worse, and I've given my kids a really poor example of how a mature adult should respond.
Discovering more potential in parenting
The trick for me is to remember that the things my girls are going through aren't always about me. In fact, they're nearly always not about me. Even when their anger is directed at me, it's not really about me. They're typically associated with the stage of life that the girls are going through.
When I am able to keep some perspective on where my kids problems are coming from, it takes the focus off me and allows me to access some actual selflessness. And in that selflessness, I'm empowered to do a boat load of really great things like listen, offer mercy, respond kindly, and speak to my kids the way I want them to speak to me.
Ultimately it's extra effort to avoid taking things personally, but it sure is a lot less work. When I put my own ego aside and take a good look at where my kids are actually coming from, it means that I'm able to avoid extra conflict, and spend my emotional energy empathizing with them rather than trying to do battle with them.
But I'm curious to know about you. What's the best parenting advice you've ever gotten? Please leave your wisdom in the comment section below.
Warmly,
Tim
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