All addicts ask themselves one question over and over again - How do I quit? It feels like it should be simple. If something is bad for you, just stop doing it. But addiction doesn't work like that. And many addicts will try anything and everything to quit, only to find themselves defeated and using again. And that's because being an addict is no different than having a chronic disease. It is a sickness that affects your decisions, and you can never completely get rid of it.
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| Photo courtesy of Juanjo Gutlerrez at Flickr.com |
So then why are some addicts able to kick their addictions and maintain sobriety? What's different for them? Why do they get to live lives of freedom while so many others are living and dying with their addictions? The reason is simple. They have the one thing that is needed to kick any addiction. They have pain, and plenty of it. Let me explain.
The pain in my game
About 5 years ago, I was steeped in an addiction to sex and porn. Aside from costing me my job and much of my social life, my addiction made nearly every waking moment a miserable experience for me. Sex, which is designed to be a lot of fun, had become a terrible master of my life.
My hope of quitting was all but gone. Not only did I feel trapped by my libido, but I had never met anyone else who had successfully quit. Then one night I went to one of those weird 12 step meetings. I felt kinda funny being there, since I previously pitied 'their kind'. But I sat in and talked a little bit about my struggle.
After the meeting, I met a guy who told me he had a similar story. So we went out for lunch, and he told me a little of his story, and explained the 12 steps. And the steps didn't sound all that profound at first. In fact, the introspection, connecting with God, and writing past wrongs were all things I had already tried. So I told the guy that his steps were old news, and they wouldn't work on me.
He looked at me with a smirk and told me that I just didn't have the one thing that a person needs in order to find victory over an addiction. Then told me:
"All you need to find freedom from addiction is for the pain of staying the same to outweigh the pain of changing."In the recovery world, they call this 'hitting rock bottom'. It just refers to the point where the addict's decisions have caused him enough pain, that he's willing to do anything to change, even if it means confronting his worst fears.
Yes, you can help
The challenging part of this is that it means there are some addicts who continue to drink, use or act out simply because things haven't gotten bad enough for them to change. And that can leave the observing family in a very uncomfortable place of feeling like there's not much they can do to help. There are some addicts for whom interventions haven't even worked. And their families are left feeling helpless but to watch their loved one slowly work himself toward death.
But fortunately for you, if you do have an addict in your life to whom you want to be helpful, there are some things you can still do to help
1. Go to a higher power. If you're the praying type, then you'll want to get some help from someone who has real power. While you might feel helpless to encourage the addict in your life, God isn't helpless. He can bring about the perfect set of circumstances that will make your love one ready to change. And God is looking for people to ask him to release his power,
2. Get stingy. This may surprise you, but often the addict's single largest obstacle to hitting rock bottom and getting help is that his loved ones enable him to continue living a lie. By driving him places, loaning him money, keeping his secret for him, telling him he doesn't have a problem, bailing him out of trouble, and even supplying him with what he's addicted to. But if you really love the addict in your life, you'll let him feel the consequences of his own choices.
3. Become a resource salesman. One thing the world has plenty of is recovery resources. There is an endless list of 12 step meetings for every kind of addiction. There are in-patient and out-patient recovery clinics. There are rehabs of every variety. I go to Celebrate Recovery because Jesus is my higher power, but the addict in your life can go to any of them. And if you want to be helpful, you can simply familiarize yourself with these resources and talk about them often. The more frequently an addict hears about recovery resources, the more likely he is to try them when he's at his darkest moments.
4. Expect and accept. Your addicted friend or family member is powerless to control his tendency to do the wrong thing. He'll use whether he wants to or not. And it doesn't do you or him any good for you to get hung up on his problems, then his addiction is ruining both of your lives. The best thing you can do for him and yourself is to try to accept the world the way it is, and let your loved one make the mistakes that he needs to make. And you had better believe that you can't make him see the truth, but you can certainly push him further away from the truth by being overly pushy or manipulative.
5. Don't co-sign his BS. An addict will do just about anything to protect his addiction. And he'll say just about anything too. Don't let him pull the wool over your eyes. He'll tell you that he is going to quit after Christmas or on New Years, or some other garbage like that. Don't buy it. The best time to quit is today, right now. Period.
What has worked with the addict in your life? Please leave your answer in the comment section below. And you can also like me on Facebook, and join the conversation that's already happening there.
Warmly,
Tim
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