When times get tough and tensions run high, it's the guys who are strong for their girls who end up alone. It seems counterintuitive doesn't it? We're supposed to be the strong ones aren't we? We are typically little bigger than they are, can frequently lift heavier things, and are often more logical (or at least we think we're more logical). It's build into our DNA to be the strong one in a relationship. So how can it possibly be a bad thing to be emotionally strong when our girlfriends or our wives are feeling weak?
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| Photo courtesy of Pedro Riberio Simoes at Flickr.com |
Tempted to be strong
Many guys feel a drive to be an emotional bedrock their girlfriends during daily stresses. When they come home to find their girl sitting in bed crying because her mom and her are fighting again, he steps in with more than a listening ear. He decides to drop everything so that he can run her errands and finish her chores for her.
In another example it's the husband who, when his wife gets frazzled and overwhelmed and doesn't get anything done during the day, he offers to do all of it. And in his mighty strength, he tells her to go relax while he sets aside all of his responsibilities to clean the whole house, and do all the kid's bedtime stuff by himself.
Doesn't that sound terrible? No, it doesn't? That's probably because it isn't. It's a really good thing to want to be helpful to your woman. At my house, I work to be helpful to Allison almost every day. It feels great to know that I can support her and lighten her work load. I'm not trying to attack the idea of being helpful.
What I'm pointing out is that there's a line where we're no longer being helpful, and instead we're trying to be their savior. There's just one problem, you and I aren't saviors. We're just men, and flawed men at that. And while we're trying to be strong and save our women, we're also storing up some BIG consequences for ourselves and our relationship. Here are just a few of those consequences.
Mounting troubles
First, while you're busy being strong for your girl, you're also silently and unintentionally communicating that you don't think she has what it takes to manage her own life. When you do all of her chores for her, or try to solve her family problems, or try to keep her from facing the daily trials of life, your sending a signal that says Honey, you're not strong enough to handle this. But she is strong enough to handle it. And whether she thinks so or not, she has what it takes to fight her battles, and follow through on her own responsibilities.
The second consequence is that being strong is typically motivated by selfish pride, and it leads to a painful arrogance. Like I already said, being strong for a woman is about wanting to be her savior. And nothing feels better than being someone's savior. It makes us feel like God.
The only problem is we're not God. So when we add their burdens to ours and it becomes too much, then we start to fall apart. We get over stressed, or anxious. Then we get angry because we're not able to do everything we feel like we should. For most of us, that's when we start to treat the people around us like garbage. And before we know it, we're being mean to the very person we wanted to save.
The third and final consequence is the deadly one. When we habitually try to be strong for our best gals, we create an expectation in them that we are there to fix their problems. Over time, as we try to fix everything for them, most girls will begin to rely on that. If you're the guy who drops everything to do all your wife's chores, eventually she will just expect you to do it. If you're the guy who always tries to handle all the family business, she will eventually expect you to step up and do that too.
Before we know it, the thing we started doing to be helpful has become an expectation. The daily chores we did to alleviate stress have become our daily stress. And as we slowly grow more and more angry that we're doing things that aren't ours to do, we become more irritable and less loving to our women.
Over time, this kind of burden on a relationship will cause love to run cold, and leave the the man and woman in it wondering What did we ever see in each other?
So what do I do instead?
Well, the alternative isn't easy because you have to let go of one thing nearly every guy loves - control. But it's definitely worth it. This is how it works.
Instead of trying to be your girl's savior, you have a distinct and unique opportunity to partner with her during her times of greatest stress. As her man, you get to come along side her and ask what she needs help with. By doing this, you are putting the reigns in her hands. And as you let her take the lead in solving problems, you're helping her and showing her that you believe she has what it takes to manage her own life.
All of our lives are full of unwanted stressors, and tense situations. When it comes to the stressors in our women's lives, we have every opportunity to be supportive. But it's important to make sure we're empowering them through their trials.
How do you empower the person you love most? Please post your answer in the comment section below.
Warmly,
Tim
OK, you're right, but I want to add one thing. Sometimes, when you ask her what she wants help with, she may not give you very much, either for fear of overloading you or because it will make her feel inadequate to do her job as housekeeper, wife, and mother. Some women have control issues, too. It takes sensitivity and perception to get to why she might be declining our offer to help. Sometimes it's genuine, sometimes not.
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