How to get your wife to have more sex with you

Guys typically get stereotyped as animals who think about sex almost all the time, which is fine since that's not entirely inaccurate for many of us. The truth is, sex is a high priority for a lot of men, which doesn't make us bad. However, we tend to get a bad wrap because of the methods we employ in seeking it out.

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You should probably get that checked out.
Some guys are aggressive, trying to convince their wives that it's their job to 'put out' for their husbands. Some others threaten their women by saying things like, "It's an instinct. If I don't get it fulfilled here I'm afraid I'll go looking for it somewhere else".

Then there are the passive guys. They're the ones who have tricked even themselves into believing that they're being loving when they say things like, "If you really loved me, you'd want to make me happy". And there are even those of us who are passive aggressive enough that we become emotionally withholding when women won't give us what we want.

And as you're likely aware, none of the above methods are very romantic. They rarely lead to sex, and when they do, it's never good. The truth is, these attitudes are born out of a desire for more sex. And as we already said, wanting more of it isn't bad. But if the pursuit of more sex leads us to any of the above behaviors or attitudes, then we're in trouble. And what we need to realize is that infrequent sex isn't the problem. It's only a symptom of the problem.


Well There's your problem.
Occasionally, you'll meet a married couple who have infrequent sex because of some physical or emotional hindrance. But the much of the time, infrequent sex is simply a sign that your marriage is lacking sexual health. And if your goal is to spend more time under the sheets with your favorite gal, then there are some other areas of your physical intimacy that you'll want to pay more attention to.

Guys, let's be honest. We're simple, and we think more simply. So we come across, at times, like sex crazed zombies who's only thought is, "Seeeeex...Want more seeeex." In actuality, we are simply in need of some practical ways to pursue a healthier sexuality within our relationships. And a healthier sexuality should be mutually beneficial. So while it will benefit your lady by giving her more of what she wants and needs, it should also include you and her working together to give you more of what you sense that you need.

If any of this resonates with you, here are some simple things that you can start doing today to pursue a healthier sex life within your relationship. And as you practice these, what I hope you'll learn is that having a healthier intimacy within your marriage is actually more rewarding than having really frequent sex.

Tips for building a healthier sex life (and likely also having more frequent sex)

1. Promote an open dialogue when it comes to sex. There are a lot of people who are just uncomfortable talking about sex. But just like any other area of your relationship, communication is important when it comes to sex. And when I say communication, I'm not talking about the kind of manipulating that 'aggressive' and 'passive aggressive' guys do (see above). The goal of conversations about sex is to share wants and needs with each other, and not necessarily for the conversation to lead to immediate sex. If you're listening in order to get laid, you're doing it wrong.

Talks like these should be equal parts non-pushy explaining of your needs and listening to your wife explain hers. And these talks should ultimately lead to a better understanding of your partner, which is the best recipe for deeper intimacy.

2. Practice selflessness outside of sex. Being selfless is easy... especially when you fully expect something in return. You know what I'm talking about. It's the back rub that you give your wife, and all the while you fully expect the two of you get it on afterward. The only problem is, that's not selflessness. If you really want to be selfless, do something for your wife without the expectation that it will end in sex.

This one is really important since physical touch isn't the primary love language of many women. And in our pursuit of love making, it can be easy for a girl to fall into feeling like a piece of meat. True selflessness will help her see what you already know - how incredibly valuable to you she is to you. And it's essential for your intimacy that she has a strong sense of how much you value her.

3. Free yourself of a loser's vocabulary for sex. These phrases are the ones that many guys use to try to sound cool. But if you know anything about sex, you'll realize how much ignorance there is in them. There are lots of these, but the most common one is 'putting out'. Used in context, it might sound like this, "She needs to put out more".

Coincidentally, the single most common factor among guys who talk like this is that they aren't having as much sex as they'd like. And part of the reason is that their mouths show everyone that they clearly don't know anything about sex. Terms like 'putting out', 'banging', 'boning', the F bomb, etc. are terms that adolescent boys use to talk about an act that they don't even understand.

What's even worse for a guy's relationship is that these phrases make a lot of girls feel like objects. And I don't know about your wife, but when I say something that makes Allison feel objectified, our intimacy takes a big hit and it kills the mood.

4. Do something that really scares you. When it comes to my sex life, I'm not sure I can think of anything scarier than the idea of putting complete control of the frequency of sex into my wife's hands. But if you're with a woman who has been sexually abused in the past, that may be exactly what you have to do.

Girls who have been abused typically struggle with control. They've been subject to enough chaos, that it's now very easy for them to feel scared and unsafe. So giving them power over the frequency of sex may help provide an important sense of security that she needs. And for a girl with a rough past, that may not only be the key to more frequent sex, but also to much better sex.

5. Pray for the love of your life. This may come as a surprise, but God wants you to have good sex. And lots of it. Unfortunately, we're often wrapped up in so much religious shame that it's too uncomfortable to bring our request to God.

This may take a leap of faith, but try going to God. Be bold, and ask him to help your sex life. And maybe even pray for you wife and her needs while you're at it. The most amazing things on earth have been accomplished with the power that comes through prayer. And while you may be powerless to cause your special girl to want more sex, He is fully capable of removing barriers that are keeping the two of you apart.

6. Confront your own unhealthy ideas about sex. Dude, if you're looking at porn, then this one should be at the top of your list. Porn is a problem. And without too much rabbit trailing, here's why. Porn teaches you that sex should be entirely male dominated. The vast majority of porn includes violence, and teaches your brain to be turned on my violence. And it teaches you that women should let you do whatever you want to them, regardless of how it makes them feel.

Here's the hard truth that I had to learn. Most women don't like to do the stuff that they do in porn videos. And if you've been regularly looking at porn, you've almost certainly given yourself a completely unrealistic expectation for what sex should and shouldn't include.

If you want to have a healthier sex life (and have more sex in doing so), then you need to begin with a healthy view of what sex is. And in your relationship, healthy sex doesn't include anything that your wife is not comfortable doing. Period. You can try to convince her to 'sacrifice' for you, but if you want better sex and more of it, then don't.

7. Learn that sex and love aren't the same thing. Maybe you're a really well adjusted guy who has a clear understanding of this. Or maybe you're like me, and you always thought that love and sex were the same thing. For me, the consequence of this is that when my wife isn't in the mood, I feel rejected and unloved. Then I respond by becoming distant and cold... which is just about the biggest turn off in the world. Then I've killed any hope of love making in my immediate future.

The idea that sex=love comes from our culture. Books, movies, songs, porn, magazines, etc. all send us signals telling us that sex and love are the same thing. But they're not. The truth is, while sex is one result of love, love is so much bigger and deeper and wider than I could possibly explain in a blog post... or even an entire book. And if we want to develop the kind of intimacy that it takes to get effortlessly frequent sex, we have to understand that love and sex are two different things. And just because a woman doesn't want to have sex right now, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

In the end
There's nothing wrong with desiring sex more frequently. As guys, we're kinda wired that way. The problem begins when we start trying to manipulate, guilt or shame the women we love into giving us what we want. It's wrong because we're being awful to the ones we vowed to love. And it kills intimacy, which is the one thing that will actually work toward our goal.

Having more sex would be great. But nothing I've found can compare to having deeper intimacy with my wife. Allison and I still have conversations about how often we have sex. And we practice all of the things that are listed above. But these days, we're learning about the tremendous advantage that comes with having deeper intimacy. And I have to say, we recommend it.

But what do you think? Are these ideas helpful. Or do you think they're way off point? Please leave your thoughts in the comment space below.

Warmly,
Tim