3 ways to give teenagers the respect they need to become mature adults

Alura was 12 when I married her mom and became her dad. At first, her need from me was simple. She needed to time to build trust. Now she's 16 and we've built a lot of trust, but her needs have changed too.

As a teenager, she still has lots of needs. But, in my mind, one stands above the rest. Like all teenagers, Alura needs to be respected by Allison and me.

She is at a stage of her life between childhood and adulthood, where she needs to learn who she is and what she's really capable of. She needs to see herself growing up, develop her own sense of independence, and understand what if feels like to be respected.

It's the same for most all other teenagers too. They're at a stage in life where they need to get a real taste of adulthood, and an example of respectfulness to emulate. Plus, there's a danger that's connected with a lack of this respectfulness in parenting. And we all see the effects of this around us every day.

The danger of disrespect

Respect has to be experienced in order to be understood. People have to see and/or receive respect in order to learn how to give it. Without it, they don't receive an adequate opportunity to discover who they are as adults. The consequence is that they become perpetual adolescents.

When life gets challenging, it's the people who never experienced any respect who don't have respect for themselves. Then their parents are surprised when they don't see what they're capable of. They can feel easily crushed by life's circumstances, which often leads to perpetual quitting.

These are the guys and girls who grow up to live with their parents (and not because they're going to school). They are the ones who live at home into their 30s or even their 40s with no compelling reason to still be there.

Cultivating respectfulness. 

Giving your kids adult level respect can be tough, especially when they aren't adults and they remind us of our own failures so often. But there are a few essential things we can do that will show our kids respect, and allow them to develop their own sense of self in a safe way.

It probably won't all happen in one day. Respect is an acquired skill, especially when it comes to parenting. But here are a few things Allison and I are working on together to cultivate respect within our parenting.

Talk the talk. Alura and I used to have real trouble communicating. Whenever there was conflict, things would get elevated. And both of us would leave interactions not feeling well about how we had spoken to each other. Eventually, I made a commitment to myself that I would simply speak to her the way I wanted to be spoken to. It seemed simple enough, and since then our communication has skyrocketed.

The axiom of, 'treat others the way you want them to treat you' is good. But when you apply it to your parenting, it takes on a whole new meaning. Treating your children with the respect you want them to treat you shows them that they deserve to be respected, and it gives them a great example of how to be respectful to others.

DON'T warn them. It's not wrong to give your kids a warning about the consequences of their actions. What's damaging is when you perpetually warn them about what will happen if they make unwise decisions. It communicates to them that someone will always be there to warn them, and it removes the need to become self reliant. Then us parents wonder why our kids seem so far behind the curve with regards to maturity.

Nobody to the rescue! I remember a day when Alura woke up late for school. She had slept through her alarm and missed the bus. So after she got ready, I drover her to school. Then just outside the front office, she was astounded when I told her that I wasn't going to go in and sign her in. She said, "Dad! If I'm late again, I'll get detention."

In that moment, I had a choice. I could have gone in, told a little fib, and signed her into class. But that wouldn't have done her any good. It would have displayed that I don't respect her enough to let her manage her own life. And it would have communicated that she doesn't need to apply herself in order to solver her own problems. The other option, and the one I chose, was to simply reply, "Okay, I'll tell mom you'll be home late."

Respect rescues 

Watching Alura grow up has been one of the greatest honors of my life. And the emotions I have tied to that honor force me to think through my responses to her in order to keep her best interest in mind. 

Like nearly all parents, Allison and my goal is to see Alura discover more potential in herself, and grow up to become the best version of herself that she can be. And in order for that to happen, respect is an essential element. It's the greatest need she has in order to grow into a mature adult. And it's no different for your child. And it's never too soon to start practicing respectfulness in parenting. It could be the thing that makes all the difference. 

But what about you? In your mind, what's the best way to respect your kids through parenting? Please leave your answer in the comment section below. Thanks for reading. 

Warmly,

Tim