Disclaimer: Obviously there are lots of guys and gals who abstain from sex for a lot longer than two weeks. Some couples just don't have sex very frequently, and that's normal and good for them. This post is in no way a judgement of the healthy frequency of sex within a marriage.There's this verse in the Bible that that talks about fasting from sex in your marriage (1 Corinthians 7:5). Not too long ago I read it and prayed:
Dear Lord, that's a stupid idea. Amen.
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| Photo courtesy of Tina Franklin at Flickr.com (CC) |
It seemed dumb to stop doing something that develops marital intimacy . And if I'm fasting from sex, what am I supposed to think about all the time? Fortunately for me, God has much greater vision for my marriage than I do.
An unintentional fast
As you may have read, a couple weeks ago Allison's body began the process of having a miscarriage. And because we're super hippies, we decided not to do a D&C, which is a surgery where the doctor literally scrapes out a woman's uterus. And, as you'd imagine, is extremely uncomfortable and unpleasant.
Wanting more than anything to be supportive to my wife, I stood by her side in choosing the natural route. But then our midwife said, "no sex for the time being." And I was like Wait, what!? I didn't realize the natural route meant no sex for an undetermined amount of time. And while it sounded very uncomfortable (and I suspected I might die), I still wanted to support my hurting wife above all else.
To my surprise, I didn't die. And thankfully, neither did Allison. But today we confessed to each other that we both really miss our physical connection. And we each acknowledged a couple takeaways that have come out of our little break.
1. Sex is more awesome than we realized. Because regular sex is a necessary part of any good marriage, it can be easy for it to become old hat. Sex can also be a challenge if a husband and wife desire it more or less frequently than one another. But the last two weeks were exactly what Allison and I needed to bring us both to the same page with regards to desire. That means we also feel more connected that we did before.
2. It's challenged my selfishness. This will come as a surprise, but I'm a somewhat extremely selfish person. So committing to an undetermined about of time with no sex felt like a bad idea. But because our two weeks of abstinence was about honoring my wife's body, it became a great chance to focus my energy on serving her.
I won't lie and tell you it was fun. The truth is it was a real challenge, but it was a good challenge that taught me about serving serving my wife even when I'm certain it won't lead to anything physical (anyone who ever dated me will likely see this one as conclusive proof that God exists).
3. I actually grew closer to God because of it. The only thing worse than not being able to have sex, is being married to someone who constantly whines about not being able to have sex. And I'm a whiner. But desiring to give Allison space to heal and let her body do... whatever it is her body does, I focused my complaining to God in prayer. As a result, I've found myself feeling more connected to God and His plan for my life. This has been perhaps one of the best parts of our little break. And it's the reason I'd recommend some sort of sexual fast to my friends.
4. I discovered more potential in my self control. If the rest if this post wasn't TMI, this will be - because I'm in recovery for an unhealthy connection to sex and porn, I've made my wife my only physical connection. That means no masturbating... for any reason. And I have rules for my eyes and imagination. No gawking at other women, and obviously no porn.
That way my wife isn't just at the top of my hotness list. She is the list. And the last two weeks tested my convictions. As time went on, and the tension built up, it was a challenge to remain faithful to the standards I set for myself. But I learned that I do have what it takes to be faithful (even if just for a couple weeks without any coitus).
I usually like to ask a question here, but I'm not even going to pretend to try to generate conversation about this over the internet. You're more than welcome to leave a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts. But otherwise, thanks for reading. See you again soon.
with clenched fists,
Tim & Allison
Your open honest approach is inspiring and helpful. You remind me of Noah Levine, author of Dharma Punx.
ReplyDeleteThank you Jim! We'll check that out.
DeleteYou come across as a terrible person.
ReplyDeleteAgreed. His wife is recovering from a miscarriage and all he can do is complain about not having sex?!
DeleteMolly and Stephanie.
DeleteThank you for commenting. Your input caused me to take another look at the article. And I think that, at the very least, I can own up to a poorly communicated story. I put too much focus on trying to be funny and playful, which downplayed the significant trauma that comes with having a miscarriage.
It's always my first goal to support my wife emotionally. But that's not what this article was about. My intention was to communicate a few things that Allison and I both learned during a short period of abstinence.
Thank you for your input on this. Your words are a good reminder that I need to continuously turn away from my own arrogance, and seek to be a clear communicator.
The description of the D&C sounded very biologically ignorant and inappropriately cutesy. The term "physical outlet" was very cringe-worthy too. This whole piece made me cringe. The article about emotionally supporting her during this difficult time was much better.
ReplyDeleteKati,
DeleteAfter re-reading the article, I feel inclined to agree with you with regards to the description of the D&C coming across as biologically ignorant. In hind sight, this article would have been better off without it. So I'm amending that part of it to include something that I hope is more honoring to women, Thank you for your input. I always appreciate constructive criticism. Please keep it coming!