Debunking the number one myth about marrying single moms

Before we met, Allison was a single mom. For years she worked 50 hours a week to earn a meager living her her and her two daughters.

Then, almost exactly 4 years ago to the day, Allison and I first met after a church service where she attended and I was a guest worship leader. I felt like I was being a sly dog, checking her out from across the room. But she insists, I wasn't as sly as I think I was. 

Regardless, we hit it off instantly, and were married only five months later. During the first year of our marriage, we did what most couples do - we got acquainted with each others friends and family. And as we went to parties, weddings, and other events, people began to pay me the most peculiar compliment. 

They'd actually commend me on marrying Allison, saying things like, "It's so good what you're doing for those girls." And since then, I've met a dozen or so people who have said similar things. 

Not a savior.

Compliments like these are fueled by the idea that somehow, by marrying a single mom, her husband is saving her and her kids from a treacherous fate of being a single parent family. And the undertone is that guys who marry single moms are giving them and their kids a chance at a 'normal' life. But the reality is, that kind of thinking couldn't be further from the truth. 

Certainly, when I married Allison, it made some things easier. I have a college degree, for instance, so I'm able to make more working 35 hours a week than she made working 50 hours. That allowed her to pursue her dream of being a stay at home mom. And the dynamic of having two parents in a healthy committed relationship certainly has been good for the girls. 

But, even among the great benefits that our marriage gave Allison and the girls, I didn't save them from anything. And that's because marriage isn't an act of salvation, nor does it redeem anyone's fate. Only Jesus can do that. 

The truth is, the idea of 'normal' that most people associate with the 'happily married' lifestyle, is usually a far cry from the truth. After all,  it's the two parent households that are splitting up these days. And even if that weren't the case, marriage has five characteristics which prove that no matter who you marry, you're not saving anyone.

5 characteristics of marriage that prove men aren't 'saving' single moms.

Love hurts. My marriage to Allison may have alleviated some financial stresses. But relationally, it's provided more challenges for Allison and I than either of us had before. Of course it's true that those challenges build character, but they build character for both of us - equally. That means the neither of us is saving the other from anything.

Who saved who? The idea that one person can save another, through marriage, paints a picture of one person being a benevolent savior, while the other is helpless and in need of saving. But keep in mind, before Allison and I got married, the only person who needed help was me. On the day of our wedding, I had zero experience with parenting, providing for a family, or making decisions for other people. I learned most of that stuff from Allison during the first couple years of our marriage. 

Marriage turns love into a chore.  There are only two relationships on the planet that make love an obligation - marriage and parenting. When you marry someone, you commit to love them on their good days and their bad. When Allison married me, she tied the knot with a guy who has plenty of bad days. And for every day where I lovingly serve Allison as her husband, there is probably at least one where she has to sacrifice for my sake.

You won't believe the workload. As I said above, our marriage has allowed Allison to pursue her dream of being a stay at home mom. But that doesn't necessarily mean that her work has been reduced from 50 hours a week to nothing. Actually, it means the opposite. Being a stay at home mom means Allison goes to sleep and wakes up in her workplace. And most days, she works from the moment she opens her eyes in the morning, to the moment she closes them again at night... and sometimes in the middle of the night.

Marriage shackles women to imperfection. A couple years before we met, Allison's youngest daughter, Caroleen, passed away at three months old. During that time in her life, Allison drew closer to Jesus than ever before. The benefit to her was that she was following the most perfect man who ever lived. When she married me, she committed to submit to me as she does to Christ. Here's the only problem, I'm not perfect like Jesus is. And whenever I think about this fact, I'm reminded of a quote from one of my favorite pastors, Mark Driscoll, who said, "Can you imagine how scary it is for a woman to trust a sinful man?" Sobering words. 

That's just my take. But what about you? Do you think