What every stay-at-home mom needs to hear from her husband

Some women dream of being stay-at-home moms. And that was certainly my wife's dream. But before we met, Allison was a career woman and single mom who worked her fingers to the bone providing for her two daughters. She was also enrolled in school to finish her undergraduate degree.

Photo courtesy of Nate at flickr.com

Then she met me, and that changed everything. During our ultra high speed dating and engagement, she told me she didn't like spending the vast majority of her time away from the girls. And even though we knew I would never make any real money working in ministry, we still decided in favor of her being a full time mom. And we didn't know it, but that was the beginning of one of the most terrifying journey's of her life.


One evening, just before our wedding, she broke down in tears while we chatted about our new life together. She sobbed and asked, "What if I can't be the kind of wife that God wants me to be?" And (men, this is where you'll really want to tune in) in that moment, I got a rare look into the worst fear of just about every stay-at-home mom out there. It's a fear that says What if I'm not good enough? And if your wife has this fear, you need to know about it. And you have to know how to face it.

The fear of a stay-at-home mom
For the vast majority of women, their definition of what it means to be a good stay-at-home mom comes from one place - their mothers. And girls will naturally compare themselves with their moms to determine their level of capability.

Allison's mom is outstanding with regards to the upkeep of her home. Her house eternally looks like a picture straight out of Better Homes & Gardens. So on some levels that is the standard to which Allison holds herself. But Allison doesn't have the same set of skills that her mom does.

When we were first married, I asked Allison how she wanted the house to be maintained (a pretty sly move that I recommend guys). When she described her vision for maintaining the house, it didn't sound all that dissimilar from the look of her mom's place. But after a few months of marriage, the vision proved to be more challenging to achieve.

When I came home from work, I began noticing areas of the house that weren't all that picked up. And as time went on, some areas became consistently cluttered. It took me some time to realize this, but my wife is emotionally, and at times even physically. affected by having a cluttered home. It can really trigger her to feel like she isn't good enough.

A husband's super power
As her husband, I have the opportunity to encourage my wife on a daily basis. One way I can do that is by simply helping her with the daily housework, which I do nearly every day. Whether it's doing the dishes, folding laundry, or just taking the kids so she can kick her shoes off, I get to give her what she needs to unwind. But sometimes, she doesn't need me to pick up a sponge. Sometimes she doesn't want that. She needs to feel successful in the tasks for which she considers herself responsible. And that's where my husband super power comes in - it's my voice.

Whether Allison wants me to pick up a sponge and help her or not, each day I get the chance to use that super power for good or evil. If, when I got home from work, I made passing remarks about to her about how cluttered the house was, or asked, "What did you do around here all day?" It'd pretty much completely destroy her.

On the other hand, if I were intentional about loving my wife and giving her what she needs (which is what I aspire to do), then I might let some of that stuff slide. If the house isn't entirely picked up, I might think about some of the things I didn't get done today (like the knee high weeds in my front yard for instance). I might remind her that she accomplished exactly what God intended for her accomplish. I might tell her about some of the things I find to be particularly spectacular about her. I might notice and point out a few of the little things she did, and let her know that I noticed.

Men, they say we carry the key to our wive's hearts. And that's true, but what they don't tell you about that key is that it has the ability to either unlock or deadbolt her heart depending on which way you turn it. Our wives are already questioning their worth as wives and mothers. Most of them already feel inadequate. Lets take the chance to lift them up, and help them get a better view of who they really are - God given helpmates who give our lives color and flavor.

This evening, Allison and I are going to bed with dishes in the sink, and a couple of laundry piles in my bedroom that I know deeply bother her (I asked her permission to share all of this by the way). And while we'd obviously like to wake up to a completely clean house, I know that there's something more valuable under my roof, and it's my wife. Men, if we are consistent in love and encourage, then they may one day get a good glimpse at how incredible they really are. Stay diligent, your voice has all the power in the world.

What is the one thing your wife, girlfriend, or mom needs to hear from you? Please chime in in the comment section below. Thanks for reading

Tim