My wife and I had a big fight, and she put all marriage books to shame. Here's the definitive guide to solving marital strife!

The other day Allison and I had a little dispute. And when I say 'little dispute', I mean a fight. Lots of couples say they don't fight, but just because no one is yelling doesn't mean you're not fighting. Still many married people say, "we don't fight, we just disagree." That almost always means that they're newly married or lying. The truth is, nearly all married couples fight.

And that's what happened the other night with Allison and me. We didn't yell at each other and nobody threw anything, but it was pretty heated and it was about sex so you know it was a good one. 

Anyway, what was impressive wasn't the fight, but the way Allison responded to it. We've gone to marriage conferences, read books on marriage, and conflict. I even wrote an ebook on conflict... that you can get for free when you subscribe to my blog ;). But the way Allison responded to our little tiff the other day put all the conferences and books to shame. 

Growing tension

It was just after the sun had gone down. We were both frustrated, and I was beginning to talk in circles. So before either of us blew our tops, I decided to get out of the house and take Silas for a drive around the neighborhood, since a little distance can help ease the tension of a good marriage fight. Also driving slowly around our neighborhood is a good way to put Silas to sleep. 

I was coasting along the streets around my house trying to process the tension of our conversation, and my phone's notification sound went off. I stopped the car and looked at the screen. It was a Facebook message from Allison.

Devastating the tension
I opened it, preparing to continue our argument via Facebook messenger (which, if you weren't aware, is not a mature or productive way to solve conflict). And instead of continued arguing, I received this:

In case you can't see the image, Allison said, "I rebuke the enemy from our marriage and this issue. I pray for God to fill us both with Him and His healing power to bring us to a place of focus on blessing, not listening to the accuser, In Jesus name AMEN."

Instead of trying to insert another verbal jab into our conversation or get the last word in, my wife offered up a prayer for both of us. Instead of trying to make her point one more time, she put our marriage in God's hands. And instead of trying to grab for more control in the situation, she gave all control away. 

I was stunned by her humility. In an instant, her prayer melted all the tension from our argument. It was as if hot coals were heating on the top of my head, and I felt like an idiot and a jerk for being unloving. 

Going for the kill

I sat in the seat of our minivan wondering how I had gotten so angry in the first place and my phone beeped again with another message from Allison. 

Allison continued saying, "I have to focus on Jesus right now. You are #1 here on earth but in order for me to be any good for you I need to focus on Him right now."

All of my frustration, anxiety and anger melted completely away and all I wanted was to go home, apologize to my wife, and tell her how much I love her. So I looked back at Silas, who had conveniently fallen asleep, and I drove home to love on my wife. 

To resolve all conflict. 

Like I said, Allison and I have built our marriage on books and conferences that have given us lots of tips and tricks for resolving conflict. And all of those things are great, but Allison couldn't possibly have been a better example of a loving wife than she was in the messages above. 

If you're anything like Allison and I, then your spouse is important to you. And it's probably your goal to be as loving to your spouse as possible. But it can be hard to do that when things get really tense - even when you do have a bunch of really great tips and tricks on how to resolve conflict. 

But in the end, the key to solving conflict is simple. Just go where the power is. I was driving around trying to think and process my way out of anger, and wasn't getting very far. Allison went straight to God, and found peace. 

NOTE: It is important to note that there are some types of conflict that cannot be resolved this way. If abuse is involved or one person in the equation is not willing to look at his or her own side of the issue, there may be no resolution. If that's the case for you, the professional help of a counselor should be the next step. 

If you love your spouse or just hate being miserable... or both, giving your focus entirely to God is the best way to escape the grasp of marital tension. And now my prayer for you is that God will call your attention to Him during conflict, and give your spouse the same wonderful gift he gave me - a powerful lesson in love.

Please check in with your thoughts and remarks in the comment section below. 

Warmly,

Tim