My wife just gave me best Christmas present - National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation pajamas. I love them because when I was a kid, the Griswald's were a staple in my home. This was largely because of the way they nailed the portrayal of typical family dysfunction.
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| Photo courtesy of Edsel Little at flickr.com |
The best character in the movie is every family's worst nightmare - Cousin Eddie. He's the absolute personification of American white trash. One of the best scenes in the movie is Eddie standing in the street wearing a bath robe with a cigar and a beer, while he empties his motor home's toilet into the street.
Not everyone has a Cousin Eddie in their family. God save you if you do. But the Holidays are widely known as the time of year that we have to get together with the people in our families with whom we have tension. And that begs the question how do we heal relationships with years of tension and bitterness?
For some, tension exists with their in-laws who rub them the wrong way. For others, it might be the incessant bickering of divorced parents. Or maybe it's the relative with whom there is unspoken conflict. For some it's sibling rivalry. And for many of us, it's the awkward family member who everyone counts on for one thing - getting drunk and embarrassing himself.
Regardless of who it is, we all have tension within our family relationships. It's completely normal. But as author and pastor Perry Noble says,
That means, it's alright to be offended. It can be perfectly healthy to feel hurt, angry or put off. It's just not okay to hold on to those feelings, because they only turn into deadly bitterness and resentment. So in those family relationships where there's tension and conflict, it's imperative that you seek healing and reconciliation.
The good news is you can start that healing right now. You can change the family traidition of dysfunction, and actually rebuild bridges this Christmas, rather than burn them further. Here are five simple but effective things you can do to rekindle relationships with your family.
NOTE: There is a point where stubbornness and abuse makes a relationship unhealthy enough that you have to get out of it. But that's not a decision to make lightly. Be sure to get together with a counselor or advisor that you really trust, and think about it long and hard before you end a relationship - especially if it's with a family member.
Not everyone has a Cousin Eddie in their family. God save you if you do. But the Holidays are widely known as the time of year that we have to get together with the people in our families with whom we have tension. And that begs the question how do we heal relationships with years of tension and bitterness?
For some, tension exists with their in-laws who rub them the wrong way. For others, it might be the incessant bickering of divorced parents. Or maybe it's the relative with whom there is unspoken conflict. For some it's sibling rivalry. And for many of us, it's the awkward family member who everyone counts on for one thing - getting drunk and embarrassing himself.
Regardless of who it is, we all have tension within our family relationships. It's completely normal. But as author and pastor Perry Noble says,
"It's okay to not be okay. It's just not okay to stay that way."
That means, it's alright to be offended. It can be perfectly healthy to feel hurt, angry or put off. It's just not okay to hold on to those feelings, because they only turn into deadly bitterness and resentment. So in those family relationships where there's tension and conflict, it's imperative that you seek healing and reconciliation.
The good news is you can start that healing right now. You can change the family traidition of dysfunction, and actually rebuild bridges this Christmas, rather than burn them further. Here are five simple but effective things you can do to rekindle relationships with your family.
NOTE: There is a point where stubbornness and abuse makes a relationship unhealthy enough that you have to get out of it. But that's not a decision to make lightly. Be sure to get together with a counselor or advisor that you really trust, and think about it long and hard before you end a relationship - especially if it's with a family member.
Man up (or woman up) and talk about it. Last night my brother called me to tell me that he felt hurt by something I did. And I'm really glad he did because the single greatest contributor to family tension is an unwillingness to talk about things. It's uncomfortable to be honest. But if you love and respect someone, you won't let conflict become the elephant in the room. Even if it means you need to get a counselor or some other mediator involved, find a safe and healthy way to shed some light on what's bothering you.
Look for the log in your eye. In the Bible, Jesus makes a great point when he asks a crowd of people, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that's in your own eye?" (Matt. 7:3).
What he's getting at is that we've all made mistakes, and each of us should take care to acknowledge our side of things before we go pointing out other people's. So as you think about the upsetting things that you family has done to you, also put some energy into thinking about where you might be at fault. Then acknowledge those things to them. admitting to where you went wrong is a great way to break the ice of tension.
Explain but do NOT shame. There's a difference between explaining how you feel about a situation, and trying to shame the other person into seeing how they've hurt you. Fortunately, the difference is not a fine line. It's actually pretty obvious.
When you're explaining how something has impacted you, you start with words like I, me, and my. You might say something like, "I felt hurt by what you said at dinner last night." On the other hand, shaming arguments typically start with words like you and your. An example would be, "You were really inconsiderate at dinner last night." As you confront tension in relationships, it's important that you speak to your family the way you'd want them to speak to you, so explain but don't shame.
Avoid family gossip. Just about every family has people who love to trash talk. They're the ones who are always current on the family secrets, and they always want to talk about it. The biggest problem is when you start talking about someone behind their back, it has a funny way of getting back to the person. Oh, and it's also a great way to show everyone that you have no integrity. So do everything you can to avoid family gossip, even if you have to be the awkward guy that says, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to talk about that."
Bring a game plan to Christmas. Most people have at least one family member who pushes their buttons right in the middle of the holiday festivities. If you're one of those people, come to the holiday with a good game plan.
My game plan is centered around asking God for help. I'll get a little distance between me and the person and ask God for the constitution to treat him or her the way I want to be treated. In the end, the goal is to respond well, because it's always easier when you can walk away feeling good about how you responded to a conflict.
What have you done to heal relationships in your family? Or what relationship needs healing? Please leave your answer in the comment section below. And you can 'like' me on Facebook and jump in on the conversation that's happening there.
Warmly,
Tim
My game plan is centered around asking God for help. I'll get a little distance between me and the person and ask God for the constitution to treat him or her the way I want to be treated. In the end, the goal is to respond well, because it's always easier when you can walk away feeling good about how you responded to a conflict.
What have you done to heal relationships in your family? Or what relationship needs healing? Please leave your answer in the comment section below. And you can 'like' me on Facebook and jump in on the conversation that's happening there.
Warmly,
Tim
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