All parents pretty much have the same goal - to love their kids and teach them to be successful. Many parents have their own definitions of success. Some really want to teach their kids respect, others want their kids to be able to make a lot of money, and some just want their kids to be happy.
Regardless of what you value as a parent, we all want to see our kids succeed. But in spite of the greatest desires of parents, our world keeps churning out generation after generation of kids who are totally messed up. So what gives? Where is the disconnect? Where is it that parents are letting down their kids?
Obviously, one serious obstacle is that no parents are perfect. We're all flawed, and we all pass our flaws along to our kids. But that's certainly not a conclusive reason that points to the disconnect between parents' desire to teach success, and generations of jacked up kids.
The truth is, there is no simple answer. Some factors contribute more than others. But some of the most significant contributors to parenting failure are the ones that live in our blind spots. They're not necessarily the areas where we utterly fail our kids. They're the ways we sort of let them down.
Some of the most damaging things for our kids will be the areas in which we cut corners, and in doing so send them a message about their own worth. Sometimes, it's our parenting half measures that can be the most damaging for our children.
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| This photo was taken by Mik Sivak from Sivak Photography. He does spectacular work, |
Obviously, one serious obstacle is that no parents are perfect. We're all flawed, and we all pass our flaws along to our kids. But that's certainly not a conclusive reason that points to the disconnect between parents' desire to teach success, and generations of jacked up kids.
The truth is, there is no simple answer. Some factors contribute more than others. But some of the most significant contributors to parenting failure are the ones that live in our blind spots. They're not necessarily the areas where we utterly fail our kids. They're the ways we sort of let them down.
Some of the most damaging things for our kids will be the areas in which we cut corners, and in doing so send them a message about their own worth. Sometimes, it's our parenting half measures that can be the most damaging for our children.
Here are a few of the parenting half measures that I'm personally striving to overcome.
"Do as I say, not as I do." I actually caught myself doing this one a few weeks ago with Alura. I was teaching her to drive. As I explained the consequences she would face if she ever texted while driving, I actually said, "I know you've seen me do it, but I've been driving for 15 years, so it's a little different when I do it." Can you believe that?
After I snapped out of my stupidity, I went back and explained to Alura that me texting after 15 years of driving is no different than her doing it as a new driver. And it's not safe for anyone to text while they're driving.
Also, kids these days have a 6th sense for authenticity, and the whole do as I say, not as I do thing is really fake. As parents, we should have the expectation that our kids will do whatever we do, whether we have 15 years more experience than them or not.
Yelling at the kids to be nice to each other. This one actually makes me laugh to think about. And I've done this more than once. It usually happens when we're all in the car, and my girls start to pick on each other. Then, in my infinite wisdom, I 'help' by barking some authoritative remark at them to be nice to each other. I snap out something like, "Hey! Cut it out (mumble mumble)! You two need to learn to respect each other! You're SO MEAN to each other." Yeah dad, good job. Wait to lead with love.
We have another little rule in my house that goes like this, 'treat other people the way you want them to treat you.' It's from the Bible, and it would be great if my kids practiced it. But it would be even better if their dad practiced it. Then I'd be giving them something really powerful - an example to follow.
Doing just enough around the house to get by. Keeping up a house is hard work. Around my house, we push the kids to pick up trash and clutter when they see it. If everyone just picked up a few things every day, our house would never be dirty. But just yesterday I walked past a protein bar wrapper and coffee cup on the floor of my bedroom about 6 times before I realized what a hypocrite I was being.
I have high expectations for my kids, which is supposed to be for their good. The thinking behind this is that high expectations now will teach them to have high expectations for themselves later. But I'll tell you... what they could really use is a dad who has high expectations for himself.
Good parenting vs. not wanting to look like a bad parent. This one is probably the worst. Sometimes, after a long day, I'm not the most responsive person. This usually happens on Thursdays. That's the day I typically work 12 hours. And when I come home on Thursdays, I'm pretty much ready to crash. So when my kids are excited to share their day with me, sometimes I'm not as invested in what they have to say as they deserve. But you want to hear something crazy? When I've got friends over, I'm never the non-responsive parent. Somehow, I always have energy to listen to my kids when there are other people around to see me do it.
There's a huge difference between wanting to be a good parent and wanting to avoid looking like a bad parent. Being a good parent honors your children. Avoiding looking like a bad parent uses your children for your own selfish motives. It causes you to parent based on what others think of you, and your kids receive the poisonous message that the only thing that matters is what's on the outside. The best way for me to honor my kids is to authentically invest my attention in them regardless of who's around to see it. And what's done when no one is looking can be what sends the loudest message to our kids about what we think about them.
What parenting half measures are you working to overcome? Please leave you answer in the comment section below.
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